Too many for two hands

Lately, there have just been so many things in my two little hands. Just too many. Sometimes, I feel there's no need for me to think too far to decide but my body does it automatically and at the same time if I don't and I regret what I chose, I'd kill myself for not thinking too hard earlier. After all, I'm still unemployed. Time's on my side. Well not so la actually.... Oh well....

As the big day approaches, and things were made more complicated, I'm filled with so many questions in my head. Have I made the right choice? Will I be able to perform and earn myself that reserved place in KCL? Why do I only hear the scary part of the whole works and never the happy side? Am I equipped with enough knowledge? I can only ask, but not until I start will I know the answers kan. So why do I even trouble my head asking. Pffft. I was probably brought up that way, to think of the worse case scenario and having a back up.

For that, I have gone back into my usual habit of having earphones stuck in my ears with music that cheers me up. At times it works, but I've also feared that when I start working, having iPods in the office won't be allowed and there goes my motivation. At times, it's sad to picture the fact that I won't be in the house in the evening for Mama, Papa or abang to just barge in and hang out in my room catching up and just being silly updating me about how their day went like. I'm not anticipating that moment.

So, I've been quite occupied with YCM tasks, and gosh, I've forgotten that drafting letters for different reasons could become quite tricky, even more if you have to draft the letter in BM, or even then, 15 companies! Ya Allah, susah gilerrrrr please. Those UKEC days in London when everyone's interest was on UKEC as well, things were simpler. Now, some are already working, and there goes the extra help that you could have possibly gotten. What's this word in Malay? What's that word in Malay? Can I just put in those english words in ' ' and let it 'secara automatik' become a Malay word? haha! Tough luck Alia! My malay dictionary in the head has expired indeed! What more when it's a letter to those big guns, I have to indeed be very careful that everything's grammatically correct and the message is passed across.

Oh well. There's more to come. Probably even worse when I've started working soon! Ok la, I'm actually ready already to step into the new, obviously bigger phase of life, just apprehensive. It's like, a district athlete stepping up into the Olympic floor for the very first time. Scary isn't it? Ok, I think I need sleep before Firdaus comes with a whole truck-load of YCM updates. Ok, that's an exaggeration! :P

Tired

Of just being me. Sometimes. Yup, I am.

Raya back at home

This year is just different, it already started off differently. We had a pre raya. A big one. A happy one. An amazing one. It was so fun that I forgot bout the real raya day. When there's no more waking up in the wee hours to fill the stomach to help me last the day and loads of food and and family visits and time with close friends!

In London, it's just, first day of raya, you go for raya prayers, you eat, you be happy, you go to high comm, you eat somemore and have fun with friends and along the way dreading it that you're not back in Malaysia all mostly in a day, before you start going back to the depressing classes that you (choose) to forget about on that first day of raya. Pffft.

Everything were the same. The food, the please-forgive-me blessings ( yup, being the youngest, you ask for most forgiveness from everyone). The dressing up in the prettiest kurung and duit raya!

Well, the money part was the same alright but what surprised me was the amount. That was probably half of the total packets I got! I thought as I grow older and have been living around for the past one month with the fact that I have already sign a working contract would deter people from giving me those colourful packets! I guess people are just really generous and very nice on days like raya. "The more you give the more you get" they say! I'm more than happy to be of a big help and be the receiver :) I've never gotten this much money on a good raya day even! Alhamdulillah :)

Well, apart from that, I was so hooked to raya songs that I was being made fun of by my family and Azwan's. Especially Papa! He imitated me whenever I hear a raya song on air and become all too excited. He looked like a happy barney the dinosaur when he mimicked my expression. Pffft. Talk about being loved. They sure love making fun of me! haha! But that's the thing I miss when I'm abroad. Them being around me a lot and to see how comfortable they are when they pick on me and how much they show that they'll miss me when I start work soon.

Raya started late for us this year, and that's another significant difference. Usually every year, we'd go both sides of the family, Papa's in the morning and Mama's in the afternoon till the whole day ends. But this year, raya was either at our's OR Azwan's for the reason that we're related BOTH sides. Mum's side AND dad's side. So raya travelling was made easier this year, all because Azwan's out of the hospital, in time for raya and we didn't want him to miss out on the fun! :) So Azwan's family decided to host this year's first day of raya so that Azwan won't need to move about too much! Thankful we are, for Azwan celebrated raya with us, healthy, conscious and on a speedy road to recovery, Alhamdulillah :)

I may not have been back in Malaysia that long, and probably so for not too long either before I fly back to London to further my Masters, but it surely has been one short period filled with many events and I'm just so happy to be able to celebrate raya back at home :) It's been an amazing raya indeed!

Selamat Hari Raya everyone!

5 amazing years and counting

It's close to 2.30 am now, I just finished reciting the Yaasin and included her in my prayers and she just finished revising for her mid sems tomorrow. It sucks that she has a test just 2 days before raya but she is coping just as amazing as she always does :) Thats Shura!

We may be far apart, oceans and miles away but we never miss a day without talking to each other. The best friend that I look for when I'm down, when I have happy stories to tell, the one I go to to tell my problems, the one who thinks for me when I don't know what to think, the one who accompanies me till the late hours to revise for my final exams and even the one to decide when my mind's all cluttered. The best friend I befriended 5 years ago and it's 5 years and counting.

Tonight, I accompanied her till 2 ( which is 4 am in Melbourne ), as she studies for her mid sems, as she whines bout the work loads the Uni is crazily bombarding them and as we catch up on things back at home and in Melbourne. She's amazing at making me be myself and be such a happy person! Things have been crazy for her this year, but nonetheless she's battling it out just fine and I'm really proud of you Shu :)

As we both said our goodnights and she always always reminds me this, tonight she added and told me to do her a favour. Let's just say it's an effortless favour on my part and it's the sweetest best thing from her telling me that. It's just a string of amazing words that formed beautiful sentences. It made me smile the widest smile. You're such a sweetheart Shu. and you just made my day!

Something that I will remember. Forever. Something that will really keep me going, InsyaAllah. To a good night, good luck for tomorrow's test yang and to the rest of the geomatics engineers who has mid sems too if you guys do, Imran and Nuds :) I will call you after your test esok. Oh I miss you. Badly! I love you Shura Shukor. I want to relive those KTJ days when we used to be roomies and we could just bug each other anytime of the day. Sigh... I wished you were back here so that we can celebrate raya together! I miss you Shu and you too Zam. My favourite couple. December please come quick

Oh I miss those Melbourne days

A sneak preview of raya 2009 with my beloved abangs and kakaks =) Blissful!

It's been 3 whole years.

The past three years, I've been spending raya abroad. In London town. Where it's cold and chilly. A celebration day that usually either starts off with us not seeing the raya day coming the night before, or we're busy completing our assignments due ON RAYA day or burning those midnight oil for a test which the Uni conveniently decides to conduct on raya day too. Pffft. Talk about freedom.

Well, not anymore this year! I'm back home and fulfilling my responsibility as a muslim fasting with my beloved ones at home. Spending Ramadhan at home is so different compared to abroad, but nonetheless I miss it back in London too. It's just all about love and amazing time back here in malaysia.

1st year in London, I had an important lecture on the 1st day of raya, I had to give the raya prayers at Malaysian hall a pass and sob all the way

to the lecture hall

2nd year, I had a major assignment due on raya day, I had to burn the midnight oil and finish it up. Sucks big time!

Final year as a Uni student, I had a straight 6 hours lecture on raya day. But oh heck! It is my final year of raya in London... I decided to bunk it! Bunked the rest of the whole day and left for raya prayers first thing in the morning! Whooopdeedoooo =) And I NEVER regretted doing so!

Well this year, it will be different. Raya will be at home :) I'm anticipating. The time when I wake up and I see Mama, daddy and Abang in baju raya. Bliss! All 4 of us, in purple =) I can't wait to go through that epic moment after missing it the past 3 long years.

And this year, it has already started out different. I just had one of the most amazing pre raya celebration with my abangs and kakaks and ther's nothing I'd want to trade the wonderful time for. I've forgotten how it was like to balik kampung ramai ramai and buka together, terawih and main bunga api together and this year, it's just the perfect one for there was also noting like this back in London.

A complete set of events

Abang Amil fetched me and Yeen for a movie

We fetched the rest of my abangs and kakaks who were working

We went food hunting

We went to the bazaar ramadhan to drool over the food and drinks and just relive those days before we flew abroad to further our studies

We bought tonnes of food!

We had an amazing buka puasa together

We prayed Isyak together led by Abang

We prayed terawih together led by Amar

Byn, Lene and Uncle Syed provided bunga api and many other 'adik beradik' bunga api

We had a crazy games night

We ate tubs of ice cream

.... and we were just the happiest 16 year olds having an amazing sneak preview of a Raya that came early this year. The best I've ever had, and all because this time, I spent it with my own extended siblings. I've missed this and I'm thankfully happy I got to relive this moment =)

It's a miracle!

He's out! Azwan's out! You're back home sayang!!! Welcome back homeeeeeeeee =)

You so excited to balikkkkkkkkkkk! But something funny happened during your assessment though. You had to do a test, to test your memory and there was this one question, quite at a crucial stage of the test to see how much you know or remember... I was standing by your side when you took this

"Ok Azwan, for this one, you just need to answer questions. What picture is this? and how do you use it? (shows a picture of telephone) "

"Telephone. ( as you picked up your hands to put by your ears ), you said hello"

hahaha! Comel please!

"Where is your sister?"

"Not in the room"

The therapist looked worriedly at Mummy and I and asks again

"Azwan, can you show me where is your sister?"

"She's not in the room"

"Tak ingat your sister ke Azwan?" ( whilst pointing at me )

"Tu Alia."

"Tak ingat ke?"

"She's my cousin. Not my sister"

HAHAHAHAHA!!! =) Well done in the exams yang!

Well, anyway, the past one month has been a great month for me in the hospital caring for you Zwan. It's fantastic to spend my everyday with you and also the Doctors. To know them well enough for them to be asking bout me when I don't come on one of those days and to get a cheerful "Hi there. Good morning! You're early. I'll see you in a bit" from the doctors when I come in the morning and lecture sessions and grey's anatomy moment.

Sigh.... I'm going to miss them Doctors. I really will.

Well, you'll be having loads of visits to the hospital from now on, for rehabs and check ups! I'll be with you and I'll accompany you to the hospital :) I definitely will!

A healthy lifestyle

For the love of Berries and Apples

Since I got back from London, I've been so undecided between a blackberry and the always-mentioned stylish iPhone.

"BB or iPhone? BB or iPhone?"

"iPhone is from Apple!" and I'm such a sucker for Apple products plus it'll match my Macbook!

"BB has bbm (BB messenger for all BB users to communicate freely 24/7 wherever and whenever), so I can talk to Shura everyday, every hour every minute." haha! You're so gonna hate me for this Zam, I know :P

So after much thinking, much brainwash and many visits to the Maxis centre, I have now booked it after much influence from both my abangs and kakaks. Yes, you 4 should be blamed! Juai, Yan, Abang and Amar. But at the same time, I've had my bb since my 2nd year of uni and have now decided to reactivate it whilst waiting for my iPhone and this is after much influence from Shura, Amal, Vivy and Yas! hahahahahaha... I'm such a confused child... but

Definitely a happy confused one for the love of bbm.

First I save Vy from boring meetings

*Vyyyy!*

*Womahgodd. You just saved me from a boring meeting*

*Where should we buka?*

*etc.....*

before...

*I think my dad's giving me the looks. Bbm you later!*

Shura and I bbm even when we need opinions on buying things.

*PING*

*Should I get this? (Snap a picture, bbm and transfer)*

*It's lawaaaa!!! You should buy it*

*otaysss.*

5 minutes passes by....

*Dah beli dah!!!!*

=) Such a healthy lifestyle.

I try to smile so the hurt won't show

Adoi...An amazing day didn't end too well now did it? Ok la, I need to create motivation for myself to look positively into things from here now.

What if I'm not allowed to be there, but another family member is and has even purchased and will be there in the next one, two months or so? Will the disease fade away by then?

What if I'm not allowed to be there but I am allowed to be at one of the only two hospitals that does the H1N1 screening? I can be at the highest risk place EVERYDAY without your worries but not at a place that has been rumoured much about it? Hmmm

I managed to win one, lose one. But when I lose to the leader of the troop, that means I've lost completely. A draw signals a lost. Oh well.

I just couldn't hold back when she couldn't hold back too and when she dropped it and told me that "when you start work, it's gonna be damn hard for you". How does she know? Coz her other bestie, already in CIMB said "It's hard to even get a day off" and "it's CIMB's policy that they ban their staffs from going there". Once I'm a staff, I shall adhere to that policy and there goes my opportunity. The last opening I have this time. After this, they shan't worry about me even asking I guess, as I can't even get CIMB to approve this once I'm labeled as 'CIMB's Associate'

Goodbye opportunity. Goodbye motivation. Goodbye advanced plans and her ticket for me to travel. Yup a whole ticket. ON HER. Thank you for your thoughts and for holding up the imaginary plans with me for the past 5 months. It WAS beautiful indeed

As I talk to her now, she's trying to hold up too as much as I am. Oh well.

I guess they know what's best for me, InsyaAllah. And as I am gearing up for work soon, I would need a lot of blessings from them. So I shall wash away the hurt and move on.

Oh well, let's occupy myself now with some YCM paper work and forget about last year, when I got to go and it motivated me to excel in my final year of University, which I ended up doing. I achieved my goal in that degree results I targeted for myself to obtain. Hello a bundle of work. I'm not in the mood

Ps : I'm on gchat too yang. I'll see you there

Ps : Thanks yang for going through that moment with me tonight. As I speak to you at this current moment in time and cannot seem to go to sleep, I love you Shura Shukor!

So what was I working on again? Sponsorship.... Speakers... Companies.

Sign,

Yang Berkhidmat Untuk YCM?

Young Corporate Malaysians (YCM)

I joined this association, YCM, following my membership in the committee of the United Kingdom and Eire Council for Malaysian students in the UK (UKEC). Similar to the UKEC, YCM operates here in Malaysia instead of the UK and today I was reminded by our struggle, sweat, threats and tears when working towards building the first ever event of it's kind, the First Annual Malaysian Student Leaders Summit 2007 (MSLS). It had to be an event that was filled with so many debates, discussion and cases for us to fight for.

Appointed as Director together with Alia Sidek, of such events, the first of it's kind on such a big scale wasn't an easy task. We lost hope along the way, we fell, we cried, and we nearly gave in. We lost our family time, social time with friends and created hates between friends for we no longer had much time with the outside world except this event. This council. We nearly gave in. But we realized, that that will NEVER happen as we had an amazing, strong and we-have-each-other's-back-always team led by a very knowledgeable and humble leader, Wan Mohd Firdaus. Strong, supportive and always positive. Alas, we made it through. We won the case. We fought through the threats and we achieved our target sponsorship and speakers.

Along the way, I learnt many valuable things. Priceless. Something that money can never ever buy. The experience and exposure. Skills and knowledge I never imagined I'd acquire before this. Things I never thought a student could go through. Something I thought only working people will be able to understand and no 18 year old would (as I was 18 when I first joined the UKEC, 1st year of University). the things I could doubt myself before I threw myself into the life of student councils and societies. A society, a student council that I was nominated as chairman come my final year in University. I was honoured, but I had to decide. And I decided otherwise, as my degree was more important. I agreed to sign off as 'National communication and liaision officer' instead of 'Chairman of the UKEC'.

Now that I'm back in Malaysia for good, I will continue to serve, and sign off emails like I used to. With, "Yang berkhidmat untuk Negara dan UKEC". But this time, more related to the Young Corporate Malaysians (YCM).

For now, I'm up and very motivated to hear out the new ideas, see what's cooking and to see what's laid on the table in today's YCM meeting! :)

LSE & UKEC - I can enter 2010

You wrote and you said many times today that "I want to reapply for LSE". Your motivation and desire to achieve what you've always wanted to be in the future, your energy to work towards your dreams and your desire has to be the best amongst all of us cousins. It's good to know that you understand now that you have to defer your University entry and will only be able to fly in 2010 instead of this year, InsyaAllah. You were so motivated when Bank Negara officers came to present you with your 'certificate of excellent results' and a personal congratulations letter from the Director himself. May God bless them always as they have been such helpful souls motivating you and keeping your scholarship on hold till you recover :)

You wrote with much confidence "I can enter 2010". YUP! You will recover in time for next year's University intake and your dream to step foot in London School of Economics and the UKEC will hopefully turn into reality, InsyaAllah. I will also pray for you. By 2011, I will be in London with you pursuing my Masters if everything goes according to plan. Then you, Farrah and I can jalan jalan satu UK!! :)

You smiled and you laughed. For the first time today. And that had to be the one that melted my heart and melisa's and made me smile back with happiness. To see you smile once again.

It wasn't a long one, but the fact that you actually made a joke and made us laugh and along with us you laughed together, you made everyone's day! You've always been an amazing son, brother, cousin, boyfriend, friend and today you made each and everyone of us smile with loads of positive vibes going around :) Thank you AzuzuPazuzu! WE ALL LOVE YOU!

Ps : Btw, FaridQ sesat today and just before he left you wrote "Jangan sesat balik"! haha! Just one question we couldn't answer today, and that was "(I have) head trauma. Mase I accident, camne Afi drive? Laju ke?"... "We don't know. We weren't there." But that's all past. Please don't regret anything. Things happen for a reason

a NEW post-it note to myself

NEW

Phase of life

Goals

Targets and Vision

Strategy

Motivation

Dreams

So, it's a month away before I start working officially and today, I sat down and thought things through. Many things. A clean Company's book, smartly labeled Alia Ishak came into play. and by the end of today, the empty book was filled with many thoughts and newly created dreams.

- What I want to gain by the end of my training. What I want to gain in this new phase of life

- What I want to achieve by the time I am 23.

- What I want to have already gotten by the time I'm 24, InsyaAllah with a Masters degree in Financial Mathematics in hand, following my current decision to pursue my Masters at a spot I have already gained in King's College London 2011. Along the way, fulfilling Mama's dreams, InsyaAllah

- Disappoint as least as possible and gaining as much as possible.

- What I want to work towards in the next 4 years

- What I want to be able to earn on my own by the time I'm 25. To be able to support myself and be able to survive even if I was thrown out there into the sea

- What I want to look into pursuing past 25.

Age is on my side and I believe looking at just 4 years ahead of me for now is pretty sufficient, as I don't know what is out there. What is laid on the table for me and what are the challenges coming my way. Nonetheless, I'm prepared to throw myself out there. I can only predict and expect. I'm ready to be scratched and scarred.

As always, Human proposes, God disposes. But it's also true that God will help those who help themselves. InsyaAllah I won't give up on myself halfway up my career path. Whether I tick all those boxes I promised myself I'd want to achieve, I'm more than prepared that it might be two boxes less or even added on boxes to be tick. It's a new dream, new motivation. What I've just written and dream of, will act as a benchmark for me.

Ps : I've come to this day. This day that I used to ask myself years ago. "Ape la agaknye will I be when I grow up". and yeah. lately, a lot of people just don't believe I'm starting work! Even kakak kat EPF/KWSP account. haha! Don't I look 21 already? Sheeesh...

I'm anticipating how it's like when I start working

Equation 1 : Recalling what the officer said yesterday "Ye la, you have to be prepared for long hours, working on weekends, balik lambat. Normal la Investment Banking"

Equation 2 : Then recalling what Mummy said today "Bile you dah start kerja nanti, you must come and see Azwan during weekends k? He needs all the familiarity"

Equation 1 doesn't seem to sync with Equation 2. And I was anticipating what it's like when I start work soon -ish.

Well, today, you were a bit passive. You looked tired and were so not in-the-mood. You looked weak too and we thought that maybe because you had such an active day semalam. I came at 8 this morning and you were already showering. Nelly and the nurses showered you early today as Doctors were doing an earlier rounding. When you came out, you looked so sleepy and tired and you told me to "Perlahankan aircond". I just said "ok" eventhough that wasn't possible as the air condition is centralized. So I covered you with 2 blankets instead and got a new change of clothes as you were a bit wet from the shower, takut you demam. Because you were sleepy, it was a little difficult to dress you up as you didn't help us much when we told you to turn here and turn there.

There wasn't much extra that you did today apart from the usual amazing string of events. Excellent seems to be your middle name :) Talking, writing, gesturing. But one thing's for sure, today you were a bit more 'manja' than usual. Probably because you felt weak and you felt the need for a lot of familiarity and family love. Throughout today you kept,

"Alia, nak massage"

"Alia, pull me up please"

Sometimes just "Alia"

"Nak go outside"

Then,

"Alia, can I make an appointment for you?", "Appointment, for what?", "CIMB lah"...

and you wanted me to start work only after you recover. I couldn't answer with just an "ok" as that would be a lie, so I just said "You'll be discharged wayyyy before I start working and I'll come and visit you after work ok?"

Sayang, so kelakar today, Syafiq and Acap came in the afternoon and they were talking bout those times when you guys used to play Guitar Heroes dulu and you pulled my head close to yours and whispered "Nyorok guitar heroes Acap" and "Jangan dengar cakap Acap". HAHAHA!! The things you say sometimes are just too cute. Mummy and I brought you to the gym today and wheeled you outside the hospital building for the first time to the rehab centre for some physiotherapy and you know what you wrote? "Physio selalu seksa I". hehe!!! Imagine if kak Zuraida and Dr Kavitha hears that.

Once when we were already at the rehab centre and you were placed in front of a table, with a paper and a pen, you wrote,

"Ni cam examm ke??"

I replied "No la. Mane ade. I pun main tulis tulis ngan you. Ni exam main main je", as I also write with you on the sam piece of paper

One time, I wrote 'Alia' and you continued beside my writing with a 'cousin Azwan'

"Physio cacat"... I was shocked. I don't know whether you were asking is this a physio exercise for orang cacat, or you just meant to say that physio is cacat and that you hate it. I seldom ask you to repeat what you say twice, as you would get frustrated, so I just manipulate things that look negative to something positive always :) In hope that I would be motivating you to recover quickly

By the way, you have this one particular habit lately. A habit to always push in your hands through my jacket sleeves, because I think your hands are cold. So usually everyday, I will wear a long sleeves, quite-thick-not-too-thin a jacket so that you can keep your hands warm. Sometimes you place your hands in the jacket's pocket.

Well well, this one kelakar. I was feeding you, so I had to take my jacket off, since it was in the way when I want to feed you and Faizal, Acap and Syafiq were just teasing and playing with you from the edge of your bed. Then SUDDENLY, you pat my back and your hand was slipping towards my baju and inside, and immediately I moved away and said "Eh, no no no. Ni girl la, tangan you tak boleh masuk masuk baju", whilst moving my second finger from right to left, like how a mother would tell her 2 year old son no to be naughty and you followed meeeee and did a "no no no" too with the fingers gesture sekali! hahaha!!! Everyone in the ward had a good laugh. Especially Aunty Normah and Mama. kelakar la you ni!

and alll your friends said "Ehhh, sakit sakit, cheeky pulak die. kalau I sakit, nak call Alia gak la'. Hish! Mengade nye all your guy friends ni.

I myself wasn't all that strong today after my shift. I gave a pass to Lene's birthday do tonight and Aizat's charity buka puasa and terawih for anak anak yatim, coz I was so knackered, I fell asleep straight after coming home! Even abang didn't have the heart to wake me up to go out for makan. But he woke me up eentually to ask if I'm ok. hehe....Hopefully you'll feel a lot stronger tomorrow and all ready to go play more esok. Tomorrow's your MRI scan day and you have a date tomorrow :) Farrah is coming to take over the shift tomorrow night after college!! Haaa, you can have your weekend dates with Farrah esok. I'm sure you're excited!! Whoopdeedo. You get some good sleeeep sayang. I'll see you in the morning! Afi and Lin has just taken over my shift now. I lafff you!

Sembahyang Maghrib tu wajib - Maghrib prayers is compulsory

7:08 am : I literally jumped out of bed because I felt weird. Different kind of weird and because I felt like something was different and I slept facing down, hence not knowing whether it was mama or daddy who came into my room at 7:08 to wake me up, I feared that I might get a proper scolding early in the morning.

Good thing it was Daddy, as he is not one who would scolds me for sleeping in jeans and shirt. Well, I had come home feeling very sleepy last night, decided that I'd pray and then head to bed. After prayers, I felt a little light headed, I decided to sit for a bit, before I realize that I had fallen asleep the whole way till morning came. I missed sahur... Sigh.... And to think that I'm the only one in the house who wakes up for sahur, I didn't expect anyone to come barging into my room before Subuh. I woke up at 6.30 to pray, and was just upset with myself. So the next time I jumped out of bed, I was...

In my jeans, and last night's shirt. Contact lenses still in my eyes. If that was Mama, she has instincts and she'd know I had not taken my lenses out and there goes my morning, starting out with a lecture about hygiene and danger of sleeping with my lenses on for the past 24 hours. I then headed to the hospital at 7.45 and confidently (with my swollen eyes due to the lenses incident) I walked towards my car, on the passenger's side. Right. So who's gonna drive me to the hospital again? Oh God, Alia please wake up! Then I started the engine, fitted in the Belkin and iPod, before I realize, "Hey, I brought a different bag yesterday. My driving license is in the other bag". Ughhh.... So much for not having much energy to start the day. Well, I got to the hospital safe though :)

Got into the room, and it was your mandi time! You had a good warm shower today and you even played with water! You showered the longest today, I'm so sure you loved it Zwan since you're a hantu mandi. You even brushed your teeth on your own hari ni yang and you're off the condom and back on the catheter!! A smaller tube this time. hehe... Well done Azuzu! Best part today was when I told you to write your IC number and you wrote all 12 digits CLEARY and CORRECTLY!! Amazing!! just pure intelligence. Everyday you do something new. Pandainye la you ni. Seriously, geram ok. I had another "Grey's Anatomy" moment today and this time, Dr Ailani told Mummy. "Your niece ni dah pandai dah benda medical medical". haha! Now am I qualified to automatically be a Doctor? Nak please. Then Dr Kavitha told me to feed you water whilst she examine your throat and mouth and your swallowing activities because "He seems to listen to his sister". "No, I'm his cousin, not his sister" :):) Once, one of the Doctor told you to raise your leg up Wan, but you didn't. I then tried "Azwannn, raise up your right leg for the Doctors please. Show the Doctor what you can do and make them proud. They're really nice people." Slowly you raised your right leg up high. Haih... I was so happy you obeyed! :)

...before I accidentally dozed off for 5 minutes after you went to sleep. I was then awaken by your "agagaga". I asked "What did you say?". "Agagaga"

"Agagaga" turned out to be "Alia" in the evening and I was so super duper proud beyond ecstatic!!! OMG, you can utter words clearly already, though not always!!!! Sometimes, we cannot decipher, but nonetheless, something we are so very thankful for. Alhamdulillah. It must have been one of the happiest moments whilst I was on my shift caring for you Zwan. Thank you for making my day sayang. You were still cheeky and you just get so funny sometimes! I love spending time with you at the hospital. I really do :)

"Alia, chicken pie", and I explained that you cannot swallow yet and you requested for "Small chicken pie je is better". HAHAHAHA! I guess you meant that even just a small piece will do. You pulled my hands to your stomach signaling a hunger attack. Sorry we buka in your room and made you hungry!

"Alia. Bukakkan socks"

"Alia, go buka" whilst pointing me towards the food and pulling Afi to replace me temporarily

"Afi buka" afterwards, whilst pulling me to replace Afi

"Chocolate cake"...So Mama pinched a small crumb and fed you to your hearts content. You were so satisfied, you stopped asking for food for a while, before,

"Nak kurma", so I bit a really small piece and let you lick my finger just for the taste before you said

"Nak"

"Nak ape?"

"Bukan kurma".

HAHAHAHA! So I bit off some apam, and let you suck a small piece and swallow before you asked me for some water to wash it down

Then you said something that just made me have to think "Alia. Stay over here", whilst pointing to the foldable bed that's in the room for visitors when they stay over night, and I thought, "Ok, I would need to sneak out tonight for I cannot tell him that I'm leaving".

Then I went into the wash room to perform my abulution. As I came out of the washroom, you waved a hello at me and after I got into my 'telekung', you said

"Alia"

"Yes?"

"Sembahyang ape?"

"Maghrib"

"Wajib" whilst nodding

HAHAHA!!! That had to be the cutest Q&A ever!!!! So comel la you ni :)

Well anyway, today was just so amazing!!! :) You're doing so very well! We are all well proud of you. The Doctors are surely going to be very excited to hear about your progress yang. Keep up the amazing work you're doing!!

Ps : Daddy just came into my room and said "Lenses lenses. Go take it off". So till tomorrow! I'm off to take my lenses off and pray and then sleep. I'll see you 1st thing in the morning!! :) I love you Azwan Arif!

Grey's Anatomy

It was simply amazing to see so many Doctors, bout 8 of them lined up at the end of the bed, all from different fields, all looking intensely from the patient to us who were on shift and informing us about Azwan and asking us questions about Azwan. So Grey's Anatomy! :)

Afi and I just smiled and laughed, thinking "This is so cool!"

Well today, I was a little sleepy when I came early in the morning, all bundled up in my pyjamas top paired with a jeans, drove in the rain and walked in the rain even. Such a gloomy morning. Didn't help that I was expecting a gloomy start in the ward too as I received a message at 4am from Lin telling me bout your catheter that got unhooked. OUCH was my first reaction when I was awaken by the sound of my phone. I was quite tired that when the nurse told me to get a towel, I got a blanket instead. hehe... Nasib baik kakak tu cool!

Adoi, Azwan sayang, how did it come off? I know it's uncomfortable, but pulling it out, has made it even worse. You were bleeding profusely :( You were losing too much blood, and you cannot afford that anymore. You're going pale everyday. When I heard bout your catheter, I could just feel the pain, it hit me like as if the catheter were pulled out from MY OWN bladder instead. To those who don't know, a catheter is a tube that helps with urination. It goes through one's private part and straight into the bladder where urine will be extracted directly and immediately without having the need for one to put in effort to pee.

Anyway, when I got to your room ,first thing we did was wake you up to shower you. You showered in the shower today!!!! What a superb progress :) Afi, Mummy and I helped you out before Lin and I set up your bed and one of the medical assistant took over my place. Then afterwards, the Doctor came in to inspect your urine bag that was just filled with blood due to the earlier incident with the catheter. and because of that, we were taught another method to use to help you urinate and that was the condom way. It's not better than the catheter in your case as you have an infection, but as you are now restless and active, it's a more comfortable method to extract and dispose urine. Blood still kept flowing though...

Well, apart from that mishap, you are doing very well, no doubt!! Once today you wrote my name again and many times you hugged me and sat up and lean against me :) So much so that mummy said "Ala...tulis la nama mummy also" and "Eh, you sayang Alia more than mummy eh? You don't want to give mummy a hug too? Jealous la...". hahaha! Mummy ni so comel also. I miss spending time with you cuzzie wuzzie! One of these days when you are well and active and can run around, that's when I'll take you around the ward and we can play FOOTball, instead of the normal throw-with-your-hand ball k! I can't wait for that :)

One thing's for sure, everyday at the hospital, is a new day for me. Everyday the Doctors are teaching me something new to be practiced on you. Everyday I ask the Doctors different questions and I get many answers. I am actually starting to love it learning with the Doctors, though I think I might be at the peak of my fatigue level. I keep falling asleep at every odd chance I have after my shift, but it's all more than worth it seeing your positive progress. Keep on fighting k!!! We all love you very much Zwan :)