Dr Melisa

Apprehensive. That's the word.

Lately, many have come up to me telling me that Investment Banking is a good choice and something that is very related to my degree, but they also never stop reminding me that banking is either going to

"Kill me"

"Wear you down"

"Long hours, you'll have no social life"

"Kesian gilerrrrr, my friend's doing it, and she just has no life. Tak jumpe jumpe since she started"

"OMG! If you can get through that one year, memang salute ah"

"I quit and joined *another non-investment bank's name* "

Right. I get the idea. I really do.

I'm ready to work, and I'm ready for pressure. Whether I can take it few months down the line is another chapter. Another chapter that can be edited and reprinted. Why? I can always create motivation for myself. I'm a pro at motivating myself. Hence, for now, YES, THIS IS WHAT I WANT.

I need not look too far. Melisa. She's a living example of what I will be going through starting next month. If you look at her now, she is one confident Medical Doctor. But nothing came easy for her. Mama and Daddy were reminding me of her housemanship.

"She went through torture and lost so much weight"

"She cried nearly everyday"

" She was going through somewhat like a psychiatric problem"

"We had to go over to Ipoh and give her support"

"Her parents were so worried about her"

She made it through and is now, a successful, confident and intelligent Doctor, you'd think that as she created her path to be the Doctor today is all like a bed of roses. Dr Melisa Abdul Aziz.

and with that, when I said "So ok la, you guys are prepared k, if I cry everyday and I say I want to quit everyday and I come back late and I become a workaholic and stressed banker and a psycho at home."

"No problemmmm. We're more than prepared. We'll even fetch you from work if you finish late. You can just leave your car at the office over night"

I just smiled. Such great supporters I have. Even if I become a psycho. Alhamdulillah. I'm ready, bring it on! :) Hello Investment Banking!

Destined to last for a lifetime and beyond

As you create these wonderful memories for me to keep and share in the future, I can just afford to smile and be motivated day after day caring for you in hope that I will see positive progress every single day.

You never disappoint

You were born an intelligent, ambitious fighter and even when you're in this condition, you still are the same Azwan Arif Abdul Aziz. Sayang, you did so amazingly well and you just amaze me every day and with every little thing you do.

There's too many to write about today, so I will just tell you personally, face to face when we spend that time at home, playing with Ollie, InsyaAllah soon.

In a nutshell, today, you wrote "Alia"!!! :):) and YOU WALKED! You even wrote "Where's my slippers?" before you pushed your body up hard, pulled Daddy by the neck and sat straight up!! Better still, when you grabbed me by the neck and I said "Zwan, you berat la, I cannot carry and support you alone if you want to walk. Kalau ade boys then ok", and you let go off my shoulders, pushed through me, and pulled Abang's shoulders instead. haha!! Sangat la pandai awak ni :)

Once, when you were in a sitting position, I said :

"See, I have a ball, you want to play ball?"... you shook your head whilst staring out the door

"You wanna walk?"... and you nodded!

"But you have to train your left leg first to be stronger then you can run lagi. Group hug, group hug" I said... and you wrapped your arms around me, Abang and Fiqss! Oh so sweeeet of you :)

"We love you very much"

All in all, today, you walked, you sat, you asked for your slippers, you wrote,

"Where's my slippers?",

"Alia",

"Nanti KYUEM" (which we didn't know why),

"I wanna spell correctly" (Which you brilliantly did, all sentences, grammatically correct!),

"I nak main petang" and so many more :)

We played 'throw the ball at who you want' and 'we throw, you catch the ball k Azwan'.

We communicated, you pinched Daddy with your toes, you pinched my cheeks, you smacked abang's back REALLY HARD!, and you asked me to feed you water and you shook your head when I asked if it was nice, and we just had loads of smile going around in the ward today.

For all the hours we cared for you today, you did so amazingly well and just brilliantly. Your effort, was A ++. I love you yang! My 9 hours of shift has ended and Afi and Lin will take over for tonight. I'll see you tomorrow my love :)

And Diaby scoresssss!!!.... For Manchester United :)

We knew that Man U was going to win! We just did. How? Coz Azwan told us today! Afi brought a stress ball for you today sayang, and when you were holding it, we asked "Who do you want to throw it to?". With your eyes closed, you positively pointed towards Afi and threw it straight at him! You did a few tosses too and when you asked for a pen, you wrote "Azwan scores!", and we knew from that, that tonight's match was going to be yours.

Reality check. YUP! Manchester United won against Arsenal!!! Woot woot! Whoopdeedooo :):)

You're doing just sooo amazingly well! I just cannot express the exact words that could show my happiness. I'm beyond ecstatic! Keep up the amazing work yang. Much love!

Must have been one of the most tense game I've watched with the company of Aimee, Abang, Ili, Amar, Syeena and Amil. Sorry Amar and Aimee. Diaby just HAD to make it Azwan's day tonight! :D Arsenal's win, another day ok?

Ok tak kelakar.

Amil, Amar, Syeena, Aimee are from PETRONAS

Abang and Juai are from MISC, anak syarikat PETRONAS

I feel so alone

You WROTE!!! It's a miracle sayang!

Oh my God! Oh my God! Only Allah knew how happy I was yesterday, I don't think anyone could ever measure my happiness yesterday. Well, economically, happiness cannot be measured :) I'M SO HAPPPPPPYYY!

Sayang, you did SO MANY NEW THINGS TODAY!!! and geee, one day you make me cry like yesterday, one day you make me smile the widest smile ever! Even bigger than when I got my University results :):):) haha! Coz there's just tooo many things, I'll list them down for you to read when you wake up fully nanti k

- Firstly, Abang Zaid from MCOBA came. He told us so many stories of you guys being prefects, and used to jage budak budak Form 1 and all, and then when he was about to leave, we told you "Abang Zaid is going back Azwan. Say byeee!". and you opened your eyes SO BESAR, and you managed to pick up your hand and waved goodbye!!!

- Then, Kak Zuraida came to do Physio for you yesterday, and whilst at it, Mummy, Melisa and I decided to stick around and motivate you to exercise so that you can get better faster. "Come on Azwan, help kakak do physio for you please. You asyik tido je, tak exercise tak boleh main football nanti. Make us happy and proud, come on, if you can, move your left leg and your toes"... and YOU DID!!!! Ahhhh!! I can jump up to the sky! "Well done azwan! You did so so well. Nanti Kakak ni nak datang lagi tolong you if you are a good boy like this".

- After physio, we lifted your bed higher up, close to 90 degrees to sit you up. Train you to sit, lama lama you can baik cepat, can sit and can walk. Then we decided it's time for lunch, we fed you. This time, we tested with the syringe, through your mouth. We shot soe milk into your mouth to see if you could swallow, and YOU DID!! We gave you a 10 ml dose, slowly, day by day we will increase k :) Sebab semalam when we gave 20ml, you couldn't swallow on your own, everything came out back, but it's ok. If you need to puke, just puke. We'll clean it up for you. You just do what you want k? Then, at one time, I said "Emmm, sedapnye bau susu you Wan. Macam Horlicks. Sedap tak?"... and you NOD!! and then I continued with "Alia nak sikit boleh?"... and you SHOOK your head signalling a NO. Ahhh! So pandai!!! So comellll please! I laughed so hard, that I started teasing you and nak ambik the whole bottle away and you just stared at me. hehehe... So sweet la you ni :) Tak la, I main main je, tak curik pun your susu. We gave you through the tube after you got tired with feeding through the mouth

- Best part was, when we put you to sleep and lullabied you some songs. Then you picked up your right hand, shook your hand, gesturing, and you did a little gesture macam nak tekan ball point pen. I looked at Melisa and said "I think he wants a pen". and true enough!!! We placed a paper on your bended knee and OH MY GOD! You wrote!!!!

First, you wrote sooo fast and then finished off with two underlines. But we couldn't interprete, so we said "Azwan, we cannot see. Can you write slower please and we'll spell with you". and you gestured for the pen again... and you wrote, this time slowly as we spell,

S...O...R...R...Y. Melisa and I just got a shock and was taken aback! Afterwards, we assured you that there's nothing to be sorry about. We're more than happy to be with you every single day caring for you every hour. and we kept repeating that to you, until your hands requested for the pen once again. We gave it to you, and you scribbled on the NewsWeek with a "Really Soon" now before you lapsed back to sleep. I think you must have meant, that you're sorry bout troubling us caring for you, and that please don't give up on you as you will wake up really soon! Now that was the best thing you've ever done to make me smile sooooooo wide yesterday and made Melisa and I cry :):) Happy tears! You're the sweetest and soooo clever! Just brilliant.

- Then, as I was about to leave at 5, Melisa and I accidentally whispered in front of you "Haa, Alia, kalau you nak balik dulu, balik la, I jage". And at that same moment you scared us both when you opened your eyes! So big and stared straight up, turned your head towards where I was standing and reached out your right hand. As I gave you my hand, you grabbed my over my shoulder and pulled me towards you!! and you didn't let go! Kuat please you ni. Then I figured, maybe I shouldn't have mentioned I was going, so I agreed "I'll stay k, I'll stay. I'm not going to leave you. I won't, I'll be here" and you let go of the grip on my neck. Phew... I'm still alive. haha! I know you're very sweet and manja and all, tapi janganlah ganas sangat. hehe...

- After that, when you opened you eyes once again, Melisa and I stood in front of you. Then we asked

"Azwan kenal Alia tak?" and you nod...

"Melisa nak balik Ipoh next week kerja, but I'll come back every weekend. Nanti Alia will still be here. Alia will jaga you ok?" and you nod...

"Sayang, if you can see us, pat Alia's face", and your hands went between our faces and you pat MINE. Intelligent boy you are! I was soooo happppppppy to see your responds!

- Towards the night, when we gave you dinner, and we're done with it, I said "yay! All done! High five Zwan!" and you HIGH FIVED ME and afterwards you placed your right hand on Melisa and I, and patted our backs, probably saying thank you. So we said "You're welcome! "

... and this time, as I was about to leave, Melisa explained "Azwan, alia kena balik kejap je, kejap, to buka puasa ok? Nanti she will come back. Can?"...you opened your eyes, looked at me, more like scarily staring, and nodded, and you WAVED ME A GOODBYE!!!

I was so happppppy! I gave you the biggest hug ever and kissed you good bye. You've made my day the happiest one today, indeed! I love you very very very much for making me sooo happy today :) I love you yang

Exhausted

I can't seem to fall asleep eventhough I'm very very tired. I just broke down... thinking of the whole string of events today throughout my close to 12 hours shift with you sayang.

- Your restless-ness when you were in pain

- Your frustration when you open your eyes and you cannot yet focus your vision

- When I failed to lift you up on my first attempt when washing you up

- When you keep pressing your hand on your head

- The times that you demand familiarity when you put out your hands in the air for us to hold

- When I was feeding you and the tube got stuck for a second

- When I had wished for you to have a brother to add to the amazing set of sisters and brother in law that you already have

- and Mamas whole story bout nenek Banun's dialysis and Mama's one word tonight telling me that I might have followed Daddy's footsteps in being handy in Medical matters. It means a lot coming from Mama who has experienced a similar situation when she was expecting me

I'm always here for you Azwan and I will not stop praying hard nor will I ever lose hope and give up on you. Never, not even for a second.

It's almost like you're here with me, although we're far apart

Oh my word... I don't even know where to begin about my shift today. I'm exhausted. Sayang! You were reallllllly realllllly rough and tough and active and a bit ganas with your movements today, I don't think I'd even have enough hands to do my shift today. My longest shift today. close to 12 hours and it was really nice spending time with you Zwan! As always :)

Yang, your food tube is in, pushed through your nose instead of your mouth now!! Wawaweewa, that's an amazing progress :):) But you were so restless today!!! and a few times you kept kicking and hanging your leg of the right side of the bed. It hurts tau, you tendang tendang camtu and then your leg get out of the bed and hang off the bed. Everytime I angkat your kaki balik on to the bed, you'd do it again, so much so that I alas kan your bed with 3 pillows on the side in fear of you getting bruises on that really active right leg of yours. Everytime you slip down the bed, we'd pull you back up. Melisa and I. At the same time that you are kicking, you would turn your body to the left side, and your head along, and it was super scary. Your head is still so very fragile...and also when your urine tube was on your right. I kept telling you not to move too much or it's gonna hurt you when you need to pee. Seriously. Oh btw, your urine is clearer today and that's a good sign! The antibiotic is taking it's course :)

And then...sigh... You kept pulling your right hand towards your head, rubbing it hard at times. Must be a headache and the pain from the operation. Everytime that you do that, your face would show an uneasy feeling. Haih... I wish I could take that pain away :( and afterwards, often pulling your hands down and tried to pull your tube out of your nose. I know it's very uncomfortable, but I did remind you all the time when you do that that those tubes are to help you get better and feed you your food. It's for your own good. I fed you twice today!! Your milk actually smelt soooo sedap ok! haha! But I didn't steal any quick slurps though in case you tak cukup. Seriously, smelt so delicious. I always had to remember :

"Fix smallest syringe, suck out the undigested milk, clamp, dispose, hook in the big syringe, clamp, pour in 30ml water, unclamp, clamp, 50ml yummylicious milk till it reaches 250ml, pump in, clamp, 10ml water to clear the milk, 20 ml water for final gulp, clamp, unhook, dispose remedies, shut the tube, you're done!". It's amazing what we learn when one is in the hospital. Something I never thought I'd have the guts to do on my own before this.

Then there was the physio session, when Melisa and I exercised your whole body just to get some pressure going into you. The whole "1,2,3,4,5,6,7,8,9,10, next leg up...". Everytime we did the physio for you, your SPO2 often beeps at 100. hehe... We love it that it's a perfect hundred score, but the sound it makes is just annoyingly noisy, we shut it! Best part was when I played your playlist of favourite songs, and you hummed to Snow Patrol's chasing cars (Ok, tak ikut tune la tapi!) and you opened your eyes for the longest time EVER!! Ohhhemmmgeeee... we got so excited! We then showed one finger to you and told you to do the same and you showed one finger with your right hand. We showed 2, you showed 2. We showed 5, you showed.... 3. hahaha! But you did very very very well sayang :) You opened your eyes afterwards, so big we stood right in front of you and Melisa said "Azwan, look at Alia. If you kenal Alia, blink your eyes twice" and you blinked your eyes twice, hard! Just brilliant :) I was just smiling to Papa who was comforting you at that time too. Happppy!

Come Maghrib, you got restless once again. I really didn't know what you wanted and at the same time feeling a little scared as you were getting really rough, kicking your legs and turning your head roughly to the left. Once you put out your hands, and I took it to comfort you with familiarity but instead you grabbed me by the shoulders, wrapped your arms around me like you'd do to a bolster when you sleep and just hugged me so tight, my whole body was bending towards the bed with my face down to the pillow, I couldn't breathe, I had to shout for Lin to help me get your hands off me. Gosh... you were really very strong. I nearly suffocated. That's a good sign though that you have such energy! Well done sayang, you're doing so well and trying very hard, and we are all so very proud of you. You were exceptionally calm when we read the Yaasin and Al Quran for you afterwards, Alhamdulillah.

Later on, I helped the nurse wash you up today and really, you sangat berat sayang. At that point of time, I nearly broke down and I just felt so sad.... I wished you had an abang to help you out yang. I just felt so useless and helpless when at first attempt I failed to lift you as I was really tired today. Afterwards, I got upset with myself, I tried so hard, I had to use so much energy to lift your body up with the rest, cleaned you up, pakaikan baju and at the same time comforting you that you will be ok. I then cleaned your urine bag and I was so happy to see and dispose a clearer colour than yesterday, Alhamdulillah. It was such an experience. But like I said, I'll always be there for you. To feed you, to clean you up, to shower you and to just be there at all times when you need me the most, which is now. Then Mama told me a story about once when our grandma was not too well, Daddy did dialysis for her, and Mama found out that she was expecting me at that time. She thinks that probably I might have gone through that phase when I was in her tummy seeing my own Dad doing it all for Mama's own mum, that I seem to be familiar and natural with what to do with you now eventhough it's my first time. I just felt touched when Mama told me that. I could just smile and acknowledge.

Sayang, no matter what, please know that you're doing so well, and we will never stop praying for you. Please fight hard and wake up soon ok? Lin just took over my shift and I headed home after feeding you your second last milk meal. Melisa will do your last feeding for you and I will be back in the morning k. Malam ni Melisa/ Lin will take the shift. Esok we play somemore k. Thanks for spending the longest time with me today. I love you very much Azwan Arif! We all do :) Please bace banyak byak ayat kursi, 3 kul, Al Fatihah and salawat k. I know you heard us reminding you that today.

Tired

Melisa's status wrote "Melisa's tired..."

Lin's was "Mamai before work in the morning"

I'm sure they are. I saw Mel yawn a couple of times today but at the same time still up and about motivating you Zwan, helping you, supporting you and being there for you. I myself have been sleeping at odd times, odd hours, odd places.

No matter how tired we are, we will continue to do the shifts and take turns caring for you sayang. And with this, I hope you will wake up soon, knowing that we will be by your side. Always! We won't stop holding your hands till ours go numb. You're doing very well!

And so are you guys too, Melisa, Lin, Mummy and Papa and all the other family members on shifts caring and those praying continuously for Azwan. Everyone's doing amazingly well being there for Azu, and only Allah knows what we feel as we go through this trying times. InsyaAllah, Azwan will wake up soon, fine if not turning out to be an even better Azwan Arif. Amin.

Human Proposes, God Disposes

After one infection, another seem to attack, but I never did ask myself "Why you Azwan?". It's not a good thing to be asking things like this as I believe in the earlier proverb. And it's true that human can make any plans they want, but it's God who decides on a human's success or failure in the end. InsyaAllah, you'll come out a better Azwan for He has better plans for you sayang. Amin.

Sayang, you've started turning yourself to your left side already! Now that's an excellent progress. Indeed! Tapi kan, you asyik nak turn tooooo much to your left that your head might just fall and hit that side reel. and trust me, it's not even funny! Your brain is still so fragile. It's super duper scary!!! But yeah, like I've always said, do anything you want :) Turn all you want, kick all you want, just go all out and try your best to do everything, for we will always be there to catch you, even if your head falls to the side as you turn, we'll catch it in time :):)

Ok, but you don't have to bite me so hard though! Sakit ok. Hehe.... Gigit sikit sikit gently dah la. You had so much phlegm in your lungs today, so Melisa and I had to do some chest physio for you to push up the phlegm. Then once, we tried to do the suction for you! But you refused!! You gritted your teeth and one time, I managed to pull your mouth big enough for Melisa to push through the tube to perform the suction before you SHUT YOUR MOUTH and BIT MY FINGERS!! Realllly hard my medical gloves tore a little! OUCH! hahaha!! I had to beg "Azwan, please bukak mulut. Sakit please. Bukak sikit je, I nak keluar kan jari I je, tak buat suction dah, kalau you taknak takpe". Uncle Nas who happened to be there reading the Yaasin for you, just smiled cheekily at me. I think he was thinking "Now you know how we Dentists feel when you guys come to the office and don't cooperate with us whilst we clean your teeth!". Sorry Uncle :P

Well, one thing that saddens me was when I went over to check out your urine. The bag was half full, but they were red :(:( Sigh.... Seems to me that your UTI ( Urinary tract infection ) is pretty bad. Just yesterday you had a clear urine, and today, it wasn't and the tube was filled with some sediments. maybe Leukocytes. But then again, I'm not a qualified doctor! It got better in the evening though. Your white blood cell count was 29 you know. That's really high, seeing that the normal range of WBC is between 4-11. You did pretty well whilst I was around though, coz your WBC fell from 29 to 18. That made me happy! I played some of your favourite songs too today as Doctors have allowed me too, just to get you familiar with the sounds around you.

Sigh...It hurts too seeing Mummy breaking down quite often today. I tried calming her down, but when I do that, I felt sad also. Everytime you were in pain, you would actually open up your eyes, and you always pull up your right hand to hold your head and you would always hold out your right hand wanting us to hold your hands for comfort and familiarity. Especially when you were sliding down your bed ( as your bed has to be tilted 45-60 degrees to position your brain correctly ), and Melisa and I had to pull your whole body up again so that you have enough bed space. It wasn't difficult, but neither was it easy as your head was fragile, and your body weight was a lil heavy. The next time you slide down, we had to call the abang abang nurse to do it for us. We know it's hurting you, but you're doing sooo well, you've just got to fight a bit more. The stronger you fight, the faster you get to go back k?

As I've always said, if you could hear me, salawat banyak banyak k, bace the 3 kuls and Al Fatihah banyak banyak in your heart. We will never stop praying for you sayang. We are all waiting for you to wake up so that we can go out and play and jalan jalan cari makan :)

I'll try to get some sleep tonight! It's back to my shift to jage you tomorrow :):) I'll tell you loads of new stories, let you listen to my iPod and your favourite songs and I'll read you some economic news this time k, just to let you be updated with not-just-football-news. That's weekend news k. Man U - Arsenal! Can't wait to seeeee you. Please talk to your room mate tomorrow. hehe... I'll be there with high spirits, hopefully you can feel the positive vibes and I will do physio for you and massage you and do phlegm suction for you ( if you don't bite me! ) and we can just pretend we're playing out in the sunny sun and be happy kids k!

I misssss you! Please wake up and talk to me :) I lafff you!

Music is the best medicine! EVER! :)

Music can motivate me and most of the time, can make me have the energy to do something when before that I don't even have the motivation to do so. I'm weird that way! A song that catches my mood can suddenly make me want to study and excel in life. Yes, weird I know :) hehe... But people close to me, they're used to it already.

Even my hate for exercise can change to love if I hit the right songs in my iPod. Once in my first year of Uni, my iPod crashed. Gone were all the 5000 plus songs and Daddy got so worried that I might not be able to study and final exams was in a month's time. So I had to download alllllll, well most of the songs, all over again. I think I could have had high blood pressure then already. I used to be a kid who never had earphones OUT of my ears. Yes, Dr Shasa won't be too happy to be my friend dulu, but it's not THAT BAD now. Occasionally the earphones would be in both ears, not so anymore now.

Well, today, is a day for Azwan. Dr Azmin said to let him listen to his favourite songs, for the familiarity :) So since I woke up, I've updated my iPod with Zwan's favourites and the same playlist has been playing, amongst them, 1234 by Plain White T's, Chasing Cars by Snow Patrol, Right Now Na Na Na by Akon, OC's theme song, California! and The Red Jumpsuit Apparatus' Your Guardian Angel and so many moreeeee! It reminds me of you yang, and I really hope that you'll show me signs of waking up fully when I play this in your room by your side later :) Please tap your feet accordingly with the beat of the music k? Don't randomly salah salah tune! They're your favourites!! I love you! I'm off to get ready to see youuuuuuu now :) I'm so excited to do the music therapy for you today!

I'm praying that your UTI and white blood cell will listen to the music too and dissolve. Your white blood cell is currently at 29 yang :( When the maximum should be at 11. What with that, your UTI. I can only express my pain for you, but nothing to what you yourself are going through and for that I will support you from the back, all the way. I'm praying for your infection to subside InsyaAllah. May Allah reduce your infection, problems, pain and agony, InsyaAllah. Amin

Melbourne influence nanana

Ajjrina vs Rowena, these two are part of those whom I've asked for opinions, and such funny two, they keep defending their take and stand, but always making sure that I don't get too influenced, they've been so very very helpful. Well, Ajiie, except that you have Azzwaa who would be on Wena's side! haha! When that happens then it becomes Ajjie + Vivy vs Wena + Azzwaa. I never get odd numbers to outweigh the other!! I think flipping a coin would be a better option. HELP!

Hopefully by the end of today I'd be able to decide, making the right decision InsyaAllah. Whichever I choose, as Azz would simply advise,

If I chose A : "Ajjie will help you all the way...she is the best in her year coz she is my sister"

If I chose B : "Azzwaa will help you all the way... she is the best in her year coz she is my sister"

haha!! Thanks Azz! I woke up to that message today and it just made me laugh. and the whole message cycle made me smile at you guys' humour. From just an update to Vivy and Ajjie starting a different topic and you talking bout married life. Gosh. We always get out of topic.

Anyway, just a note to myself from Di, It ain't banking until you sleep under your desk! :P

P/s : Thanks for the luck Ajjie. And yes Ms PI, I shall call you when I get to Tower 1 :D

Tough Cookie

Omg... You're sooo muscular!!! That's you Zwan! You surely are one tough strong cookie I tell you :) I had the day shift today and the therapist taught me how to do physio on you which needs to be performed to all your body parts every hour. I kept stimulating and making noises and did the chest physio on you with the intentions of interfering with your sleeping pattern and hoping that you'll wake up, but you didn't.

Wake up la. Then we can go out and play in the sun sayang. You know Zwan, you are soooooo muscular before this that it was a lil berat trying to lift you up tadi when I needed to do the physio. Everytime it's time for physio, I'd have to ask for help from the abang abang nurse on training tu to help me out. First they smeared and laughed at me for wanting help, before I had the last laugh because even they couldn't do it alone. Pffft. So much for ego and macho-ness. haha! We had to do some shouting at you during physio to get your attention, so if you heard me being so ganas, sorry! I'm a lil muscular btw from lifting you up and down today. hehe :)

Johann and Nain came today with no hello but a "You're his cousin, Alia kan? Queen Mary kan?". haha! Next time you need to introduce me to your friends before they do more of that and scare me away k? They spoke about Cambridge and Warwick, and for a moment there you became quite excited, you started trying to open your eyes and pushing you legs up. One thing I cannot bear to watch is when your drip don't go through and the nurse/doctor would need to poke another vein to allow medication into your body. It's been 4 holes already that have been made, but each one swell up after 2 days :( I know it's sakit... Well, at least the last poke and the blood test was done by Melisa herself. She was well careful when she performed it on you, but nonetheless, when a Doctor is treating her OWN brother, it's just different. Melisa felt your pain... and she just didn't have the heart to poke that needle in you.

I've also learnt how to do the suction for your lungs! It's a lil scary but ok la, I tried to be really careful and gentle as I slip the tube down your throat. Trying really hard not to tremble or I might hurt you. Anyway, Dr Azmin did another CT scan for you today and it looked good! All the clots are resolving, but the factor that's making you drowsy tu cannot be detected on the scan. Maybe some microscopic stretch or electrolyte imbalance. Let's just say I did not mention to you how long the recovery period might take as mentioned by Dr Azmin. But as I write these posts for the future, for when you are able to get up and read.... Dr Azmin said your recovery period would probably take one year sayang. Tawakkal k and be strong. Things like this, even Doctors cannot actually specify the exact period hence they give the maximum. So you hang in there k cuzzie sayang. You're doing very very very well! So you must get up soon! Enough of sleeping, let's go food hunting soon! Wakey wakey Azuzu :) I love you!

To be a Doctor - A bit far fetched a dream, at least for me

Mama, daddy, abang and I were in the lift and I was conversing with excitement with Daddy bout medical terms and explaining Juai's back condition until...

" I don't know what it is but it might be sees-tee-tees I think "

" Huh? ape? "

" Sees-tee-tees"

" Sees-tie-tees la "

" Cheh. Ala... You Doctor betul. I Doctor main main je. Not fair ", and daddy, mama and abang laughed. I'm pretty sure inside they were thinking "My poor child. Such a Doctor wannabe"

oooppps... Hahaha!

I have a looooong way more to go. No wonder a Medical related Degree takes 5 whole years! This is what 2 weeks of Medical-Doctor lesson produce. A useless Doctor like me. haha! :)

A Cat Will Scratch Anyone Who Disturbs Its Kittens

No matter how sad and helpless and hopeful I feel for you Zwan, nothing beats what Mummy is feeling. Nothing we family members feel can be compared to Mummy's love and feeling for her only son, you. She misses you very much and only God knows what she's going through at the moment eventhough we might say, "I understand"... it's never the same as to what she is really feeling and going through.

Nothing can beat a mother's love and a parent's for their children. Neither a closest cousin's love, a girlfriend's love nor even your close friend's love. NOTHING.

Mummy just called me to remind me about my shift to care and accompany you today sayang, and her voice just crushed me deep down inside. The whole 20 minutes phone call just made me break down and cry as I got off the phone. I was strong for Mummy whilst talking to her on the phone, I was, I swear I was. But to hear her broken and tearful voice, I wasn't ALL THAT strong afterall I guess. I swear to you I've tried my best.

I just want you to wake up Azwan Arif Abdul Aziz. Please? Sigh... I'm sighing but I never lose hope and I'm strong for you and will continue praying effortlessly. I'm going to get ready.

It's my turn back again and Papa and Mummy gave me a day shift today. Like we've said before yang, "We'll hold your hands till ours go numb if it helps you recover faster :). We will. 24/7, on shifts." Well, you've had the weekend to sleep, rest up and heal but starting today you have to push hard! Please? You JUST HAVE TO! Open your eyes and move your left motors. I beg you to please work hard. We'll be there to motivate you and please sayang, push during that Physiotherapy today. Please. I'm begging. We're ALWAYS THERE by your side, so please feel motivated and feel our presence to push.

-----------------------------------------------------

That's how much they care, and I am always thankful for having such wonderful people in my life. I've had enough of thinking. Too much...that now Daddy and Mama are thinking for me. On the way to the airport and hospital the whole day, as I sat quietly and listening to my iPod and having so many things running in my head and lost in my own world...

I listened as Daddy talk to me about CIMB vs PETRONAS vs Masters in Financial Mathematics

I listened as Mama talk to me about CIMB vs PETRONAS vs Masters in Financial Mathematics

I listened as Abang talk to me about CIMB vs PETRONAS vs Masters in Financial Mathematics

I listened as Juai talk to me about CIMB vs PETRONAS vs Masters in Financial Mathematics

and I just absorbed, not having much to say myself. I'm not thinking until the meeting is done. I've always thought about it. Analyze. Evaluate. Decide. and then BANG! Comes down back to this three.

but one thing's for sure, there's never anything that I cannot get through the past 21 years of living, especially when I have my family's love and support.

My number one supporter forever and my lifetime confidant and back catcher when I fall. My walking and experienced thinker, always and forever :)

AAAA - Media Alert

AAAA = Azwan Arif Abdul Aziz

AAAA = The number of A's and the result that you brought back for your A Level's two weeks ago

Sayang, your name is in the papers today for your excellent straight A's achievement in your A Levels!!!! Well done!!!! :) I'm cutting it out and keeping it, so that I can show it to you and you can frame it when you get up, InsyaAllah.

Now aren't we all so ever proud of you. We've always been. Fight hard for your physio session in the morning k! You've been sleeping quite a bit past three days you know, it's time to wake up and start being a little hyper now. I'll be there for you!! You'll do just fine. Perfectly well, InsyaAllah. I love you!

It's Mummy's shift now, and time for me to try and get some sleep. Back to my shift when I wake up :) I'll see you real soooooooon in a few hours.

I wished I was a Doctor

Ain and Juai

Hospitals and I, we've been having good chemistry lately. The past two weeks I've been a nomad staying between home and hospital. Sungai Buloh hospital. A little drained, mentally, I keep falling asleep at odd times. I even fell asleep on Juai's bed whilst waiting for her to finish praying earlier.

Today, I got out of Sungai Buloh hospital for a bit and checked out the Putrajaya hospital. This time to accompany kakakku and check out Juai's back ache. It's been hurting and limiting her movements for almost a week already and it's such a torture seeing her move. Well, it really looks painful to me, but doesn't sound so traumatising when you listen to what the other brothers do though. haha!

What with Alif saying it's appendix and telling Umi to send Juai straight to the hospital and Aizat being the only gentler supporter rubbing her back to calm her sickness last night and then Amir and Anas giving her semangat to just let go and let all out, all that Amar has cooked for them, like as if they're watching Rooney shoot a goal. haha! That's what you get when you're the only girl amongst the 6 siblings!

Well, Putrajaya hospital wasn't that bad either. It's pretty nice and decent! Though not many Doctors, we had a personal treatment from Dr Azrin aka Ain, Juai's close friend. Gosh, hospitals didn't look all that scary anymore when your close friend is a doctor and she is the one treating you. You can even cancel that blood test you're scared of halfway! Dr Ain won't even force you. Such a sweetheart she is :) Juai's X-Ray didn't seem to show anything that might hurt her back, so let's just wait for the blood and urine test. It might just be a a urinary tract infection (UTI), a bacterial infection that infects the bladder. Nothing serious, and quite common for women apparently. Probably just a cystitis maybe, but then again, I'm not a Doctor. I'm just guessing.

Juai's

So another class of Medical Doctor 101 with Dr Azrin today and hoping that Juai's results are favourable and to a speedy recovery, InsyaAllah. Back to Sungai Buloh Hospital for me, with Aizat's voice singing "sususilangkata" in my head. Very catchy, I'm quite excited to wait for his new album to come out!

Well, you didn't respond much today Zwan...again. Haih... But you could lift up your right side already though!!! And you opened your eyes so wide when Ustaz read you some verses, though you didn't focus. and you tapped your leg quite strongly, pretty sure you're all ready to play football la ni, especially after I updated you about Man U's 5-0 win last night!! hehe. You're doing very very well, and keep on staying strong k :) Love you much and will continue praying for you, yes I won't stop!

My first shift - I'm half awake now

"

Alia Ishak

's energy level to last the night, checked. iPod, checked. Masks, checked. Dinner, checked. Scrubs, checked. Hello Azwan, I'm your ward-mate for tonight. Please wake up and talk to me, InsyaAllah :)

"

Last night was my turn, my first shift to accompany you. I just got back. You still did not respond much Zwan. Sigh... I continued the salawats for you, kept rubbing your chest and giving it a little small tap coz you kept coughing out phlegm but never able to spit it out. Multiple times I told the nurses to use the suction, but they didn't have enough machines. Haih... but funny thing, your nose was always itchy and you hated me wearing the mask, so much so that I had to always take my mask out as you keep pulling it out ( and put it on back quickly when you start coughing ), and rub your nose for you.

Well, i think it's the wound on your forehead where you had the operation that is actually irritating you, but that just mean that it's healing :) Well done sayang! and oh, today the nurses taught me how to make the perfect combination for your milk dosage just in case you're still intubated when you are discharged in the future as you are still not able to have solid food. I know how to make your food and feed you now :) But one thing's for sure, when I see you sleep, at times I tend to feel sleepy!! Eeep. So, I had to continuously drink 100 plus.

You only seem to move your right side the most and because you're long and tall, you were so restless on the bed. Kept on bending and straightening your leg. I massaged it every 10 minutes but takut when I do that you'll get the 'pins and needles' feeling on it, so I lifted it a bit sometimes. The nurses on duty are really friendly, patiently teaching me new things everytime they come in which I'm always happy to learn about. Btw yang, we were checking out your urine which seemed to be a little concentrated today, probably coz you were on many medication and probably it's just UTI. Best part is, it doesn't seem to bother me even when I was having my buka, it was fine that the nurses were explaining about a patient's urine, how it's supposed to be when they are well and vice versa. Ok, I found myself weird too actually that I didn't feel like puking whilst eating! haha! Abang Raf got the-much-craved-for Subway for buka. At last!! Since last week we've been planning for it :) Yummy steak and cheese!

Anyway, Papa came to take over our night shift and afterwards he messaged me the sweetest message sangat and made me smile eventhough I was half awake and half asleep by then, your papa sure knows how to make me smile! Just like you :) I headed home and I need a shower now. I smell of Hospital and hospital sanitizer! Reminds me of you though. Be strong k Zwan. We won't stop praying for you. I'm going to try and get some few hours of sleep and I'll be back at the hospital before you know it :) I'll see you in a bit! Don't bully papa k. I love you! and thanks for the company tonight, I had fun being your ward-mate and learning a lot from the nurses tonight. Much love

I'm 21, soon to be a working woman, but I look like a form 3 school girl

4 calls and I finally managed to rush out of the ward to pick up the 4th call. A call that may, or may not change my decision and shape my future as I obliged for the sole reason of not wanting to debate on the phone as my mind was so focused on Azwan's slow progress today :( I didn't even remember the names mentioned except for the caller's. My brain's tired of juggling between this two since 6 months ago so I turned to Daddy bout what to do. I'll just go for that meeting and see how it turns out to be.

I just hope I don't come out confused and undecided. I hate that feeling. Maybe you can give me a sign Zwan :) I'll ask you tomorrow and you can give me the thumbs up for the one you think is best!

__________

By the way, Selamat menyambut ramadhan everyone!

Sigh....

You're off the Ventimask COMPLETELY sayang! :) You're breathing on your own now. Well done my dear! You didn't even need the 1 litre ventimask at all, and went straight to being independent.

But, I think you must be really tired from the effort you put in to breathe on your own and the shiftings. Sigh... You looked weak and you were less responsive today. From morning... till malam. At first I thought, maybe because you yourself, you're a boy who naps in the afternoon. Or so I thought... I was more hopeful after lunch when Abang Raf dropped me off at the hospital coz he was going to see Tok Ayah off at home. But to no avail. You were hit by a fever too and the tremor...

I'm not losing hope. Never. I know you're tired, hence the very little movement. Mummy and Papa looked tense themselves today. But as I was leaving and I told you I was coming back, you picked up your right hand, and gave the thumbs up, and you did a little goodbye wave :) That made me smile :) Nonetheless, remind me to tell you in person what you did today when you wake up k? Sigh...

I'm praying for the best and I will continue to do so. It's the start of Ramadhan now, I believe it's the best time for our prayers to be answered, InsyaAllah. Keep on fighting k sayang. You're a super fighter!

You were brought up with excellent etiquettes :)

Melisa asked "Azwan, Uncle Ishak ni. Kenal tak?", and you nodded :):)

Then when daddy was about to leave, he told you "Azwan, Uncle is leaving k?" and you hulur tangan nak salam!!! Such a brilliant obedient boy you are. You did not lose or forget your etiquettes and that's simply amazing,

and as Daddy left the room, you strongly picked up your right hand, and waved good bye. Eeeee.....gerammmm ok! Can I hold your hands and shake it vigorously in the morning and make you dance tomorrow? hehe... and then I'll tell you soooo many stories you'll be so tired listening, you'd probably slap me there and then. I won't mind :P I was so happy I can jump up through the ceiling to the sky :)

I'm hoping for a better tomorrow with you, InsyaAllah. You're doing so very well, I'd give you A star plus plus. Love you!

P/s : I'm wearing your sweater to sleep tonight k, and I'll bring you a surprise in the morning for you to hold on to it when we're not allowed in with you. At least you have some familiarity with you 24/7 :) I'm so excited to see you in the morning!

A moment like this

Kelly Clarkson, someone you love listening to so much, someone I listen to singing your favourite songs when I make my way to the hospital and I thought that one of her song title was suitable for a moment like today

It's true when they say that love is blind. When you love someone, you don't mind anything they do, and everything seems right, even if it means contracting their germs. Well sayang, good thing I love you coz you sure did spread germs to me today, and I am VERY SURE OF THAT, no doubt.

You were amazing today!! and you really made me smile :) I went in and Mummy told you "Azwan, Alia is here" and you turned your head towards me, though not fully but probably a good 60 degrees and I was so excited I started talking to you. Your eyes are half open but I think you can focus a bit today as your eye balls followed me when I changed side from standing on your left to standing on your right. I was soooooo happpppyyyyyy!!!!

Well, one thing's for sure, you are still the cheeky lil Azu that you are because you know what you did? I was busy telling you a story and YOU SNEEZED IN MY FACE!!!! Pfffttt....haha! good thing I love you, so I didn't mind your germs :):) Not a wee bit did I mind at all. I replied "Alhamdulillah" to your sneeze for you :) Then, it became even better because you squeezed my hand so tight and when I salawat and mengucap in your ears whilst telling you that you're a strong boy and doing really well, and also told you to be a good boy for the Doctors, YOU NODDED with a "Hmmmm"! :):) You understood and you listened!!!! I love you for being so strong!

So I continued telling you bout my day and Farrah's message and you pushed your hands towards my face trying to pull my mask out. But Doctors have tied you back to the bed, so your movements were limited that you let go afterwards. I know you want to see a familiar face, but I can't risk spreading my germs to you, so I had to keep my mask on. As it is, you sneezed in my face earlier ok and you expect me to open my mask? hehe...Cannot la. So I pulled your hands down. You're such a good boy, still the same Azwan who never disobey :)

Though you did not want to let go of my hands again when I had to leave... Adoi...

and your eyes! They seem to be focusing a bit more today :) When I was leaving, I sanitized my hands ( and yes, we sanitized yours too, since all your visitors seem to be touching you ) by your bed side, and your eye balls followed my movements, and as I walked pass you again to leave and I waved good bye to you, your eyes moved and followed though it was only half open. It's still an achievement and you're so ambitious! So strong. Why don't you just get some rest since you've done so very well already so far today. Let your brain have some rest and your infected right lung to rest too, then you can heal faster :) Kalau you excited sangat nanti your brain pun penat, lagi lambat keluar ICU. Be the good boy that you are k. You're doing very well Zwan! You are, Alhamdulillah.

p/s : I was just so excited with your responds today, I didn't even look at the monitor! haha! But Dr Azmin acknowledged your effort and positive progress yang. Keep it up :) and oh, since Doctors have shaved off all your hair, Papa did the same to his too. Close. Just to look like his only son! hehe...and you still look handsome btw eventhough I know how much you love your hair, it'll grow again and we shall style it again.

Bang Long, Kak Long and Bang Ngah have always been there

First Juai and Amar came by the house to pass Abang and I these pretty things which Kak Anne made after we came back from the hospital, and with that came catching up, ribenas and some smiles and laughters...and made me happy.

...and last night Abang brought back all of these. came into my room and said "Nah, kakak you bagi semua to cheer you up"

I've been so down and fragile lately, though I know I'm strong. Just picturing you Azwan, and all those good times...Picturing Azam and Nury crying tadi. It just breaks my heart and break down unexpectedly

But little things like these and their constant encouraging words and reminders everyday do cheer me up for a moment, and they're just what I need, thinking that they have my back. Indeed, they have since the beginning. I am strong for you Azwan and I will continue to be!

Thank you Abang, Ili and Amar for being there, at my most trying time

Doctor Alia? Sounds quite nice actually

I would like to apologize to all those who follow or might have stumbled upon my blog as I have been using many Medical terms lately. I realized. I would explain what they all mean, but that would probably make my daily posts longer. Hence Googling those weird, unknown and funny sounded Medical terms would probably do you good in understanding Azwan's current condition.

The reason for this is because I'm learning many new terms everyday, from the Doctors themselves. It's like lecture sessions all over again and sometimes I wished I had done Medicine and have a blog called "the Medical Doctor wannabe" instead. Then I could contribute in saving people's lives.

On another note, a message from Melisa ( Azwan's eldest sister ),

"Dear Azwan's friends.. today he was wheezing a bit, the Dr showed me his chest X ray.. there's some haziness at his right lower zone of his lung. his temperature has gone up a bit & they have stepped up his antibiotics. They r doing chest physio for him twice a day. The Dr said if it gets worse, they might have to reintubate him to help expand his lungs. otherwise they have given him oral sedation 4 times a day as he is very restless. he can still obey the Dr's commands well when he's awake, he makes strong movements with his right side of the body but his left side is still slightly weak, he can open his eyes temporarily when called & can only make sounds. Although slow, the Dr says he is making a much faster recovery than expected. alhamdulillah. Again I'd like to ask u all not to stop praying for him, but at the same time please do not go & see him inside the ICU for the time being, as he needs plenty of rest & we don't want to worsen his infection. we hope u understand."

Hence, at his best interest, please refrain yourself from visiting him whilst he battle it out in the ICU. We wouldn't want him to have something extra to battle right? Do let your friends and his friends know too. Thanks!

You pulled your tube out and scared me today sayang :(

Today I arrived together with Mummy, Papa, Lin and Melisa, and Mummy spotted my swollen eyes, but I said I just cried a bit je last night in fear that I might make Mummy emotional... Only Melisa knew bout it as I went looking for her when I couldn't hold my emotions already malam tadi. and oh, remember I told you that I was going to puasa for you today? I was crying so much last night and then didn't realize that I fell asleep, and tak niat! oopssie, so I had breakfast. Haha! I will puasa esok instead, InsyaAllah :)

Sayang, I went in today in the morning and you were half awake half asleep... but your hands. That right hand of yours is so strong! You keep picking up your hand towards your face and I kept having to grab your hand to stop you from moving it. You keep wanting to pull those wires and tubes out. Sigh...It's painful, I know. Tapi you kena sabar yang. Sikit je lagi. You looked so exhausted, like you've been fighting all the way and even the doctors said you were progressing very well.

I was happy for a moment because you know what? You were on Ventimask 3 litres!!! and your GCS is 10!!! Well doneeeeeee!!! Those are just such excellent counts and numbers :) until the Doctor spilled out the beans saying that they discovered a new infection in your right lung. Sigh...My heart skipped a bit, probably two. I tried to digest the pain you're going through, one after another. Doctor showed Melisa your chest X-Ray. There's some haziness at your right lower zone of the lung. and then to top that up, I had to digest even further extra information about you having a fever. Your temperature has gone up a bit, it was bout 38 or so, hence the Doctors have stepped up your antibiotics. They are also doing physio for you twice a day because your left side seems weaker than your right.

But you know what you did today? When we mentioned that your left hand is weak in front of you, you actually picked up your right hand, slowly with full effort pulled it and placed it on your left arm and picked up your left arm, like as if telling us that "No, my left hand is fine! and I am trying". We know you are trying and fighting very hard too Zwan, and we were really very proud of you. Though once, when I was reading the Syifa' verses for you, I didn't realized that you have pulled up your right hand halfway, and before I could pull it down, you got to the wire... and you managed to grab hold of it and pulled it out. That was scary and I can just stare before panicking because I didn't know what tube did you pull! So I quickly ran to the Doctor on call and told him, and he rushed to your place and put it back on. Phew...

You were shivering sayang...coz I think you were cold sebab you're demam. Sigh... Sakitnye just tengok you battling that on your own. I felt so crappy and helpless. But even then, you really did know how to make me laugh tau. hehe...As I watched you battle, you open your mouth SO WIDE, uttered "haaa", before you started yawning and then went back to sleep! hahaha!!! Omg, that was soooo comel k, and funny too at the same time. You sure did make me laugh there. Even Mummy pointed out that "That is so Azwan.". haha! But after that, you continued being a bit rough with me, and pushed my hands away when I tried to stop you from reaching to those tubes and wires. I'm so so sorry I had to pull your hands away so much today. It's not that I'm not allowing you to, but it's for your safety and speedy recovery yang. I did tap your hand when you were being "Naughty" nak tarik those wires and salawat banyak banyak as I pulled your hands away. hehe...but that's a good sign that you can feel, Alhamdulillah.

Sayang, your GCS is doing so well with your motor being a perfect 6 counts! How well is that? Excellent! Keep on fighting k? Slowly but surely these tough times will pass, InsyaAllah. Your RR was a bit high but doctor said with your strength up to 25 count is still ok and I saw that your SpO2 was excellent too!! You're on 3 litre now and we're all well proud of you. Doctors will continue monitoring your infected lungs and at the same time let you have some rest by giving you oral sedation round the clock, 4 times a day. Plus, monitoring that haematoma on your left side of the brain. Sayang, for everything that's happening and taking place one after another, ade hikmahnye, so you keep on being the strong Azu you are k as Doctor said that you making a much faster recovery than expected. MasyaAllah, only God knows how thankful we are to hear that.

Azam and Nury came by to see you too today...and I felt so sad when they cried after seeing you :( You keep on being the strong fighter you are k, InsyaAllah these times will pass faster than we realize it. I love you for being so so so sooo strong! You're doing so well dear! Very well :)

I'm praying for a better tomorrow, InsyaAllah.

"Ya Allah, please let Azwan be strong enough to fight this new infection in his right lung, calm him down so they don't have to give him oral sedation round the clock. Help him regain power in his left side of the body, be able to open his eyes to focus & help him speak. Let our faith in You keep us strong and give me strength through this trying time.Amin. Come on Azwan, you're a strong fighter! I love you sayang"

I miss you Azwan

Badly.

I just did it again.... I just broke down when I thought of you, and pictured you not letting me go today and how it was exactly a week ago it all happened so fast... I'm just trying to sleep now because I'm feeling fatigue, but I can't seem to

I miss you Azwan. Please wake up fully soon. Please? I cannot fall asleep thinking of you fighting it all in the ICU. I feel unfair that I can sleep on my own bed tonight and you have to battle it out on that hospital bed. You're surely more exhausted than I am. I am trying very very hard to be strong here sayang. For you and for my blood pressure. But my heart feels so heavy. Just so heavy. I want to hold that hand of yours whilst you fight.

It's such a trying time for me now, with your condition and Mama's fever that's been going on for a few days and looking at how weak she is, but I'll never stop caring for my two loved ones and I volunteer to run back and forth between home and hospital to be by your side and be at home by Mama's side too. Everyday. Daddy's in Singapore and Penang these three days...Please come home quickly. I'm struggling to battle with my emotions.

But Melisa's helping me out to battle myself too at the moment. I just finished talking to her. I'm going to go and pray for you now and make a bottle of Syifa' water for you as Ustaz has advised. Please ignore my swollen eyes when you wake up in the morning k? I AM STRONG FOR YOU ZWAN. I know I am.

Please don't cry? Your SpO2 count is perfect

Sayang!! You're off the ventilator and being assisted by the oxygen mask sekejap tadi. You're now on Ventimask, on 40%. You're such an amazing fighter yang, and you know what else they did? They have taken out the ICP monitor from your brain that was hurting you the most. Alhamdulillah. Allah is great for he has answered our prayers Zwan and you on the other hand, you're doing an amazing job.

I know it's painful, I really do, and it hurts me everytime you squeeze my hands because you're in pain. I feel so helpless. If only I could...you know I would try and take some burden off from you.

Sayang, I got back from the hospital at 3 ish, in time to write to you before leaving back for the hospital at 4. Mummy called and she said that she was going to be a bit late, so I packed and left straightaway to be there for you. I know you need all the familiarity and so I stayed with you for a pretty long time today. The longest ever. and this time I used Touch & Go.

Since there were not many visitors, the doctors hung around listening to me talk to you and answering all my questions, which I usually whisper in case you hear. Once, you actually pulled my hand up and then slipped each of your fingers in between each and everyone of my fingers. Now aren't you the sweetest boy? I just smiled and so did the doctors. So I asked them what happened in that one hour break that I went home and they explained about them taking out the ventilator and monitor and sayang...Doctors said you were so aggressive :( Because you were so sakit, you fought and struggled with the doctors. Doctor said you were so much in pain that you actually opened your eyes when you actually couldn't yet. Only God knows the pain you're going through Zwan and for that I will beg and pray for Him to lessen the pain for you.

Because of that, doctors have tied you back to the bed, and gave you sleeping pill so that you can get some rest. But sayang, tadi ade one time, you pulled my hand towards your right leg, and it was a really strong pull. But I really didn't know what you wanted :( I know you were trying to tell me something, and when I acknowledged and said "Ye ke? Haaa, I dengar ni. Just relax k, you're doing very well", then you calmed down. You must have fought quite ganas-ly I guess, coz you have new bruises on your hands, and they're so red and swollen. Tengah hari tadi takde pun.

and then sayang, at one time, the Doctors wanted to monitor you, so they took your blood from your left leg and when they did that, you just squeezed my hand so hard tau and pulled yourself towards me and... tear drops flowed from your right eye. Sigh... I just salawat banyak banyak and I wiped it away with a heavy heart and told you to bersabar and lepas tu I pushed you back in case you get body ache sebab you dah tido senget towards me. The Doctors just smiled encouragingly at me and told me to motivate you as they said you were quite aggressive. Jangan lawan doctors k sayang? They're trying their best too.

Anyway, after that you actually spoke to me and Melisa sayang! and I was so excited tapi I takut your BP might naik, I just acknowledged. You moved your lips and told me "Aaaaa....aaaaa" for a good 3 minutes. I love you sayang for battling really hard. You're doing very very well. Your SpO2 reading was 98 which was perfectly fine, and you are on the highest level on the oxygen mask. Slowly, Doctors will decrease it till you can fully breathe on your own, InsyaAllah.

It's been an amazing day with you today yang. I gave you a great big kiss today. Your movements, seeing Doctors work on you, when you talk to me and when you held me so tight you didn't let me leave. Stay strong k. I love you yang!

and Juai, thanks for that pretty long call. Those encouraging words and safety notes are just what I needed at that time.

Another Doctor in our family

I never realized this until Abang mentioned that we have 8 Doctors in our family Zwan. And today, Aunty Che'ah came to see you. The whole family just got back from Abang Aun's place and they said everyone in Ireland's praying really hard for you too. InsyaAllah, you'll get out of this well.

Sayang... today again my heart broke when I saw you fight. I happened to be inside with you when the doctors/nurses decided to 'do something' to you. They tried slowly to take out the smaller tube in your ventilator that goes right inside your lungs, and the tube was so long, and as they pulled it out, you were so uncomfortable and you fought and you coughed coz you were choking. They were pretty rough :( I had to hold Lin really hard coz I couldn't bear looking at you suffer and I was just tearing looking at you fighting so hard from the edge of your bed... I watched it all sayang. I know it's painful sayang. I know. But you did a really good job, you really did. Well done Azwan.

As they did that, your ICP went up... :( It shot up and if Lin did not hold me and I had my way, I would probably have fought with the doctor ( without realizing what I'm doing ) to just stop pulling the tube out and stop shouting at you. They kept shouting "Azwan! Bukak mata! Azwan?! Mata tu bukak bukak.". I know they're rough...Sayang, I saw, and I just wished I could do that myself and do it gently instead. but don't worry, we're really proud of you, and I'm thankful that we saw it instead of Mummy, or mummy would have been even more worried for you yang. Mummy tak stop berzikir for you outside, she never will till you are well. We all won't stop.

Only after I got control of myself I held your hand, and told you bout Liverpool's lost, Gerrard's penalty and Spur's win. And you squeezed my hand and tapped the back of my hand. You tried to speak when I said I just came, so I tried calming you down as you cannot speak yet with the ventilator inside.

But you know what held me back today? When I told you I was leaving and you grabbed my hand and didn't want to let go. I told you "I'll be outside yang, I love you. You must stay strong and fight coz you're doing an amazing job. Papa's coming in, I won't go anywhere, I'll just be outside your door." but you still didn't want to let go... I tried so hard to tell you that it's ok and I'm not leaving you. But you still didn't want to let go of my hand. Then when Papa came in and he said to you "Azwan, papa ni. Alia is just going out sekejap je, nanti she will come back. Papa here Azwan", then you slowly let go, and Papa slipped his hand into yours as I pulled my hand out. It's as if you don't want us to leave... and I'm not strong when you do this to me. I had to go out because I was on the verge of tearing. So I left Papa alone inside with you and walked out.

But Alhamdulillah, you are progressing very very very well yang. You are and you are really strong, you did a really good job following the nurses' instructions today and we are really proud of you. Keep it up k. I will never stop praying for your speedy recovery. Btw, Farrah really misses you too sayang, she's in college and she told me that she'll come this weekend.

Hopefully you'll open your eyes by then. Doctors are going to take the tube on top of your brain out today because he said that that's the one causing the most pain for you as it is about 5.5cm into your brain hence the uncomfortableness and then they'll try to take out the ventilator too. Fight hard k, I know you can, you're a fighter! and if you can fight that, then that's two hurdles less, hopefully with that comes less pain and more comfort. I love you Azwan Arif. Wake up fully soon k.

p/s : I went for my medical check up today sayang, and I took my blood test. You know how I am so scared of needles and Doctors taking my blood kan, but today I went in and thought of you going through worse than that, I just allowed the doctor to prick and poke me with needles. and sayang...My medical check up went ok, until the last test when they got a shock they had to do it a few times... I have high blood pressure. I hope that won't deter me from and my dream to be a banker. Well, Melisa says it's because of the whole incident since last week that might have made my BP up a notch, and I choose to believe her, since she is a doctor herself :)

You keep appearing

Sayang, today again I went to the hospital alone on my own. Mama is still unwell, and so I took the car and at every speed limit I drove 30km/h less than it. All the way. Well, I don't think I am all that strong yet, but never do I mention it in front of you, in fear that you might hear.

Like today, on the way to the hospital, you know what came to my mind?

- Remember those times when we were 8-10, when we used to create alibis to tell Papa, Mummy, Daddy and mama just to be able to sleep at each others house?

- That time when we poured powder and shredded papers and placed them on the fan to play a prank on abang but instead daddy yang on the fan and we got into so much trouble?

-That time when you just got back from Bristol and had a leg injury and you stayed over at my house since your parents were working. Everyday you would send me off to school and wait for me at the gate to come home?

- When we used to trick people with our very same voice before your voice broke...and then it became rough a bit. heee

- Then those college days when you used to come with daddy to KTJ and surprise me with your presence and you nyorok nyorok kat belakang tembok my boarding house?

- That time when you merajuk when I had a bf and did not tell you immediately? Well you did the same too. haha! and we promised to never do it again

- ...and your face just started appearing in my mind all the way to the hospital and was crying whilst driving...so much so that

When I drove into the Smart Tag lane, the bar did not go up! Only when I got quite close to the bar did it go up...and then I realized, that I forgot to even put my Smart Tag on the dashboard and it was on my lap :( I could have slapped myself silly for doing that. Afterwards I just kept reminding myself that you would have slapped me too if you knew that and tried really hard to just focus on my driving. It was difficult. I miss you

You're Azwan Arif, and you never disappoint. You made my day sayang

Sayang, Mama's not feeling too well, so she decided on not going to the hospital in fear of spreading germs to you, so I insisted as I've promised to see you everyday till you wake up, and I did. I puasa for you too today with the intentions of having my doa of you waking up and recovering dimakbulkan.

Ya Allah, I am sooo thankful to Allah for what I witnessed and went through today and thank you so much for making my day sayang. I was the first to see you today because Papa went to work and Melisa didn't get through with her Dr's tag in the morning because the doctors themselves were doing roundings in the ICU. As I entered, I brought the whole Syifa' verses and doa hajat today, and I thought of reading to you the Asma Ul Husna, and for once, I've never ever smiled and cried so much at one go and to think that I was the first made my day even more. I love you Zwan

When I got to your bed and said "Sayang, I'm here. Can you hear me today? I love you and I have more new stories for you today", you twitched and moved your right hand. I got a shock at first and a little scared ( and ok la, I actually moved AWAY from you. haha! I hope you didn't spot me stepping a few steps back. You know I don't hate you. hehe... ) as the first thought that came into my head was whether the doctors knew that you're moving and whether you will react by pulling your ventilator out. Only when I was walking to the Doctors to reconfirm, did I realize that they have tied your hands to the bed, so that you won't struggle your hands towards all the tubes in your mouth and head. I know it's very very uncomfortable for you, but you still need that ventilator to help you breathe yang. You're not fully conscious yet but you're doing very very well, and you should know that :)

So then, I read all the verses from the Quran and doa for you before I held your hand to tell you about the Man U - Birm match as I've promised, and you know what you did? You squeezed my hands, and you pulled my hand up to the maximum that the cloth tied to your wrist allowed you to, and for that moment, I stopped and was speechless, I just broke down and started crying and smiling and kissed you straightaway. I was just so thankful, Alhamdulillah that's a good progress. You never disappoint, do you? No wonder everyone love you. Now that's a true Man U supporter. So then, did you remember the other story I told you about after you picked up my hand? About that offer I received this morning. Alhamdulillah for that. Remember after my interview we were anxious and anticipating a call everyday? I got that call this morning Azwan, and I promised I would tell you when I get it, so I did and I know you'd be happy to hear that too :)

Well, you became quite excited halfway when everyone tells you stories and talk to you actually that your BP count went up! Ooooppssiiee. Sorry I might have made you a wee bit excited with all the happy stories. You even fought and tried opening your eyes, and you did it halfway k. Well done sayang. I believe that that's you responding and that's why the count naik, sebab you excited. You're always so easy to happy-fy aren't you? After that I had to tell you to calm down and I'm pretty sure it looked funny, coz I was saying "K k k, wake up soon k. Janganla excited sangat, your brain penat la you excited ecited ni" and the nurse just smiled looking at me talking to you. She said everyday I have new stories for you. Yup, I've made friends with the nurses inside the ICU! So I just stopped talking for a moment, held your chest and and just doa banyak banyak, before Imran came in and then we spoke a bit more to you, you did some twitches but nothing as major as what you did with me earlier. You're just amazing at making me happy and giving me hope. I'll stay strong for you and never will I stop praying. Ever. Hope you're not in too much pain and don't fight the ventilator ok? You need it.

Afterwards, I kissed your right hand, massaged your feet a bit and then left with Imran.

My prayers to Allah for you to show me some movements have come true, in fact that was a major movement, hence I will now fulfil my niat puasa naza' for you sayang. I love you Azwan and please continue fighting all the way till the day the doctors can take the ventilator out k. You're doing a brilliant job, and you're fighting on your own, doctors have stopped your sedation and BP medication and another it's-too-medical-a-term medication, and I am very proud of you! and so are the rest. I love you sayang

Your acknowledgement, my happiness

Eh sayang you ni kan, cheeky kan? I told you not to do that "Beeeeep" thing again at me. You know what? You did it again this morning! Pffft. Scared the soul out of me, so much so that the nurses inside the ICU laughed at me. It was again your drip, but this time it's because you finished up your drip, probably coz you're hungry? Tau tak nurse cakap ape sayang? She said "Eh eh, he seems to know when you're around and he responds with a quick slurp, and finishes up his food. Haus kut".

I thought that maybe I talk to you a lot, and you were responding to my questions hence the thirstiness :)

Your numbers on the monitor looked good btw, they were pretty stable and ICP showed a very stable figure too. Bout 10 on average, plus minuce. Doctor was going to do a scan after visitors left tadi to see if it is really stable, and if it is, then they will reduce your sedation gradually to see your response. Probably tomorrow they will try and stop it. So you MUST MUST MUST fight hard then and acknowledge at least. Even a twitch in your body would be a really good sign you know. I was in there with you for pretty long today actually, I read to you the Syifa' verses without fail and all the doas too.

Today I told you bout the match last night and how Arsenal won 6-1, which abang added with a "Arsenal sucks Azwan!" afterwards. haha!! Psycho semangat semangat football kat dalam ICU ni. Macam ade two crazily hyper happy siblings by your bed side telling you bout football matches. Tonight I'll watch Man U - Birm for you and will update you bout it tomorrow k :)

Sayang, Fiqss MMS-ed me your voice that was a bit out of tune singing, and it was so youuuuuu! Salah salah lyrics and out of tune a bit. hahaha. I miss that, and I miss it how you always change the song lyrics too. I hope that this is only your chocolate stop for now yang ( applies to family members and the family history, I'll probably blog bout it another time ). Please get that cheap chocolates and find your way back to Melisa's apartment. Wake up soon k love. I love you sayang.

You're not alone

Azwan sayang, just so you know, I've put all thoughts and scouting and booking about flying on hold now. I will be by your side till the day you wake up, no matter what. Even if it means that I have difficulty going to sleep every night and breaking down at unexpected times. But I never cry in front of you tau, I never did. I always tell you happy stories hari hari when I'm by your bed side.

Just so you know, remember we were looking and booking for tickets to fly to London to settle you down for Uni next month? I have put my flight to London on hold for I will wait for the day you will wake up and then I will teman you to London to settle you down, InsyaAllah. Not only that, likewise I have also put my flight to Melbourne on hold at the moment. I know for sure that Shura would understand, and she is also praying hard for you yang. You must battle this out, you're strong. I won't leave you here just like that and even if I start working dah, I will still come every single day, InsyaAllah.

So, please know that I am by your side waiting and praying very hard for you to come out from this. I promise, I will update you about the Man U vs Birm match esok k. I'll wear your Man U jersey tomorrow and the pants too. I sayang you and so does Mummy, Papa, Daddy, Mama, Abang, Lin, Melisa, Abang Raf and Farrah. So you must wake up k. Love you Azwan Arif!

Subsided

Sayang, your head is smaller dah. The swelling has subsided at the base of your head, Alhamdulillah :) I wore your Malay College football jersey, number 13 with AZWAN printed on the back of the jersey today. Did you see? and I was telling you about our dinner last night and Ili mentioned bout you teaching her how to cuci tangan so that tak bau durian, which Mel claimed she taught you, which Abag Raf claimed he taught Melisa! haha! and then I told you bout Amar saying you're a bit buff looking when he went in to see you.

I have a funny story to tell you ni. You know tadi I masuk in between Mama and daddy and then kan kelakar sangat. I read the whole Syifa' verses for you and all the doa cepat sembuh for you. After that, abang masuk to see you, I was massaging your hands at that time. So I told abang to massage your other hand the other side, and you know what he said? "Eeee, boleh ke. Tak nak ah" whilst POKING poking you! Macam cuit cuit you, like a boyfriend malu malu dengan girlfriend die. hahaha! I tergelak k in the ICU tu.

The funniest part was when, suddenly there was a long "Beeeeeeeeep" sound and nurses started coming over to your bed! And we both panic. Seriously, when you're in the ICU, all the sound seems so alien and dangerous and scary, all at the same time. and then I started "What happened? What happened?" to the nurses, and rupa rupanye, it was just your drip punye wire dah moved a bit, so it wasn't so in place. Scary ok yang! Never do that to us again, please. Heart attack betul, and dah la we thought because Lan poked you. hehe :)

Anyway, a lot of your friends datang, and Haqqa came too today and also Farrah and her mum after she finished college. Oh and a lot of Papa's cousins thought that Abang Raf was 'Ishak's son' today! So much so that, after everyone has left and there was jut our family, abang felt jealous when Abang Raf called me "Adik". I borrow your Abang Raf sekejap k, whilst we wait for you to wake up. Abang Raf is going back to Ipoh btw tomorrow, he's not taking any more leave already for now.

Sayang, tadi I tanye the nurses when will they test you again on your breathing, and they told me Monday. The whole weekend they will sedate you to let you and your smarty brain rest. So, nanti on Monday, you have to fight really really really very hard k? I will be there, I promise. and I will do the daily goodbye kiss to you before I leave the hospital as always. I love you.

Afi's whole story

Salam and hello everyone.

I think i am responsible to explain to u guys,close friends of azwan bout what really happened in the accident. i believe u hav the right to know. and so we realize how our bro azu is so important in our lives. It'll be a brief one.

It happened like this.

azu was sitting at the back near the left side door. I was driving. and tiger was sitting next to me.
after picking azu up from his place, we all headed to OU to catch a movie with some friends. And as i was driving, we saw a car coming out from a junction on our left further in front. The guy in that car hesitated n eventually stopped as if he was giving way to us to drive straight on. I had the right of way.
but, as we approached the junction, and came very close to the car as i remember it, out of nowhere, the car sped to go across to the opposite road. So i swerved my car as i would hav hit the guy dead if i didnt. the car skidded and drifted to the side of the road. it went up the curb and then hit a tree.
it was the back part on the left side that hit the tree. and azu was sitting right there at the back. I believe this is wat had caused the head injury.
then, the car bounced off after the hit and from the impact, it caused the back door on the left side to open on its own. This is when azu, azu fell out of the car.
ambulance came after that and he was taken to the hospital.

I hope it is clear enough. i hope we will keep on praying for azu our brother and never stop doing so. all the prayers, all the solat hajat. the mom told me that there's one day when apparently a lot of different groups held some solat hajat for his recovery and she said, azu looked really relaxed that day. So dnt stop praying so that he recovers very soon and back as he was if not better. It will make a lot difference. Allah is Most Merciful. That is the whole reason why i put this up.

Azwan, you will be alright. we all know how strong u are and we know you know we care bout u so so much. So wake up brother.
and im sorry..
take care guys.

Nik Afi Ikhwan

It's always the case

Sayang, I can't seem to fall asleep everytime I get home at night no matter how strong I was before I got home or how much more positive I am. It hits me that I am not able to call you for an immediate fix of lunch or movie or just jalan jalan with Mama and I...and it's happening again now. I just read Ili's message and I seem like two different person in a span of 3 hours.

This is really a test on US. Your family members. Your loved ones and your close ones. Please wake up soon, as I know you are THAT strong and will battle hard to get through this and survive. We on the other hand will NEVER stop praying for you. Abang Raf was explaining about the clots, and how that is a part which we should have our least worries on, it's the nerves that might bring a big change. Sayang, you might wake up to be the same, or maybe not. To remember me, or maybe not and to still remember me as your favourite cousin or maybe abang ( well which I will not allow, of course! ). haha!

But please know that no matter what, I will still love you the same and will do so forever baby. I still want to have you to play with and tell you things to and update you about all that's happening in my life. Remember how we need to update each other IMMEDIATELY when we have new update on our lives? I want to continue to have that with you. I still want to have my closest cousin telling me that I'm fat when I am and lost weight when I have and having my back at all times. Cepat la bangun k. I'm sleepy. Probably I'll read another round of Yaasin for you before I try to sleep. I love you Azwan sayang!

Abang, Ili, Amar - My strong supporters

Sayang, I just got back. I left the hospital after the visiting hours ended tadi and went for dinner with Mel, abang Raf, abang, Ili and Amar. Sayang, your condition according to Dr Lan, who is Melisa's friend on call, has not much progress, and you failed two breathing ( on your own ) tests so far. It hurts me seeing the doctor explaining that bout you, but as I've promised, I told you happy stories today, coz I know you're strong. I told you about Ollie and how he can climb already now and that Farrah and I ate fish fillet for breakfast. Your favourite. and you know,I keluar from the ICU, Abang Raf tested me on my medical knowledge bout your condition! Cheeky k abang Raf ni.

Hari ni, Ozair came to visit you too and did you 'feel' his presence? He, is one who is a living survivor of an accident worse than you, so yup, you're strong, and you're young. Nanti you dah rest cukup cukup, you bangun k. I will be waiting for you, if not beside you, just tell the nurse to call me, for I should be outside. You fight hard and be strong tau? Esok maybe the doctors will test you lagi, so you must fight during that session. I'll be there after I'm done helping abang with his car and PaMa with the house chores k. You wait for me tau. All our other cousins are coming too, mama's side.

Oh oh, btw, Mr Sutherland datang to visit youuu! Did you know I just realised that he is your Headmaster in KYUEM now. He was my form 6 teacher in KTJ dulu, and then he called for my name, I was so shocked he remembered. He asked me bout my Uni results, and he's happy :) He said, "you and your cousin do have the same genes, don't you?" You've surely created that high benchmark for me to follow tau. You ni kan. Stress I, nasib baik dah tak belajar.

I'm better today, abang was so sweet tau, he brought me out for me to get some fresh air and spend the night with my constant supporter. Abang, Ili and Amar. They've been so supportive in helping me get through this tau, since the very first day you got into the accident. They're such amazing abangs and kakak. Eventhough I was a bit sad when I cerita balik everything to Amar in the car. Nanti I cerita to you in person esok k bout what we did tonight. Oh anyway, mummy gave me your jacket to bring back and it smells of you :) You nak balik jacket tu, you kena bangun dulu, then I give you back. You sleep well k, I will see you in the afternoon! I love you Zwan. Always have, and always will. Forever

p/s : EPL starts this weekend btw and Man U is playing on Sunday against Birm. Nanti I watch kan and I'll update you k yang. On Monday I will pour out everything into your ears. All bout the game, who scored. whether referees bias ke tak and all those. And I will pakai the Man U pants that you gave me on that day too :) I love you!

Your closest cousin's and girlfriend's love for you

Good morning sayang! I managed to catch some sleep last night, tapi tu pun sebab tak sedar I tertidur, so when I woke up I had my glasses on, and the laptop was on with our picture together as my desktop background and then straightaway I messaged Lin. I read some verses from the Quran for you to get better before I fell asleep malam tadi. I'm just helping Mama clean up the house now, sekejap lagi when I'm done I'll come over straightaway k.

Mama and I are going over to fetch Farrah and we'll go to the hospital together in a bit. Farrah and I miss you much yang. Bangun lah, then we can cakap cakap, I can tell you bout my day and all the London stories which I have not managed to finish updating you about and so can Farrah tell you bout her day in college semalam also and how much she misses you. Your accounting teacher might come too today. She misses you much too and was telling us about how sweet you were, when you messaged to thank her the day you got A for your A levels results last Monday. She told the whole class tau.

Anyway, I'll see you sekejap lagi k, hang in there and continue to fight k. I will pray for you and will never stop. Ingat Allah always k for He wouldn't have chosen you if He knows that you cannot bear this. I love you Azwan Arif.

Solat hajat for Azwan to wake up and survive

Sayang, I just got back from Azam's. Ramai orang datang for solat hajat and doa selamat for you tonight love. So far, dah 5 solat hajat dah done for you. You be strong k. Mummy and Papa pun balik today. So did my Mama and daddy. Did you hear me telling you the whole story about how my day went today? :) I even wore the Manchester United jersey you posted to me on my birthday in London that has ALIA.AZWAN printed on the back tu and then jalan jalan satu hospital. and I was telling you bout how Papa bought nasi lemak, so manyyyyy malam tadi, we even bought some for you. Dengar tak? And then I massaged your hands and tighten the plaster on your forehead tu today coz it came off mase nurses and doctors weren't looking. Abang Raf came back today, so nanti he will be back to monitor you with the help of his 'Dr Raffiz' name tag tu. Btw kan sayang, tadi kan, there was a tear rolling down your left eye. We figured mesti you dengar us inside kan :) Thanks for acknowledging! I wiped it away and kissed your hand before I left.

After the afternoon shift just now, I went back to your house actually, and took a nap on your bed and showered in your washroom and played with Ollie who's really waiting for his uncle to come home and play with him. Cepat la bangun k, nanti you boleh feed and play with Ollie too with aunty Alia :)

I'm sleepy la today, so I balik rumah sekejap. Nanti esok in the morning I datang balik ICU k? You're strong and you know that my dear. You'll pull through this and wake up soon and then we can take you out and play games like normal all over again. We all love you and so do all the others. Your friends from KYUEM, MCKK, fellow Bank Negara scholars and your subang friends. I love you very much! Wake up soon k, and I will pray very hard for you :) I love you!